I haven't cried. I've been walking around in a sad fog, going through the motions with all the family and social obligations we've had the past few days. It is surely a sign of how much I have grown as a person that on the day of my negative HPT, we spent time with not one, but two different friends, each of whom has a gorgeous new(ish) second child in that adorable 6-12 month age range, and I did not at any point want to scream, vomit, or poke my own eyes out with a sharp stick. (But it did hurt when my husband admitted to me later how much he loved holding those babies.)
I've been eating a lot of junk food (because really, why not?) and skipping my prenatal vitamins (because really, why fucking bother?) and staying up late watching TV because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts when I lie down. It's hard knowing that there's a good chance this may be our last assisted cycle. But one thing I do know--I don't regret that we decided to change our insurance next month, even though that means we can't get in one more cycle. Diving into another cycle right now is just unthinkable--I couldn't possibly handle it.
As a feeling-crappy-about-myself bonus, I have had very little patience lately for Bat Girl's totally normal almost-3-ish-ness--the whining, the slow-as-molasses shoe-putting-on, the milk spilling. You'd think that, being denied a second child, I would appreciate the one I have a little more, instead of losing my shit when she deliberately throws rice on the floor. But when my back is aching and the cramps are coming on and all I want to do is be by myself in a dark room for a day or two, and instead we're seeing endless relatives and I've got my kid attached to me 24/7...it's hard.
And when I do take a moment to hug her extra tight, or when she spontaneously breaks into song ("Monster Boogie") when I'm putting her to bed, there's the sudden knowledge that she's not a baby anymore, and that it's possible--not guaranteed, but possible--that I will never experience the baby days again.
We just got back home yesterday, and tomorrow we're turning around and getting on a plane for another week out of town--I didn't even bother unpacking our suitcase, just shoved in a couple extra sweaters and rezipped the whole thing, dirty laundry and all. We'll be at my parents' house, which means no blogging for me, but I'll catch up with you all next weekend. Have happy Thanksgivings, everyone. I'll be working on remembering just how much I do have to be thankful for.