CD7

Very quickly, since I've been up since the crack of dawn and had an exhausting all-day meeting: Everything basically fine at today's ultrasound. I'm assuming my E2 is up since I got a message today to drop Gonal-F dose down to 37.5 IU and come back tomorrow. My husband has observed that I'm starting to get bloated again (gee, thanks honey!). And, for your Phreaky Photo of the day, I give you this, an ultrasound image of my ovaries actually snuggled up together:
(The doctor doing today's ultrasound said, "Oh, they're kissing!") No, that is not normally what they do, they are normally one on either side like everyone else's. I assume this is just living proof of how everything kind of mushes around in there, which is why I'm told it would theoretically be possible for my one (right) tube to pick up an egg from the opposite (left, tubeless) ovary.

WEIRD SHIT.

CD5

No matter how many times I've self-injected (probably 50 or so--of course folks who have done IVF have done WAY more), every time I set up all my stuff in the bathroom--pen, needle, alcohol swab, gauze--it feels slightly unreal. I watch myself ice down my abdomen, wash my hands, prep the shot, and there's still a part of me after all these years that can't believe it's happening.

It's been much easier this time, for some reason. I've been visualizing the needle slipping in between my cells (rather than puncturing my skin) and somehow that makes it hurt less. Last night, I left the bathroom door open while I was shooting up and my husband walked by while I was doing it. His OMG expression made me laugh mid-injection--don't laugh while you have a needle in your belly flesh, girls, it doesn't feel good.

*****

Morning bloods and scan uneventful. Uterine lining appropriately thick, ovaries "active" but nothing gigantic. Dropping dose to 75 IU tonight and tomorrow night, back again on Wednesday.

CD2

Hey! Hi! What's up! So, here I am again. Did a round of Provera, period started yesterday, went in today for the old poke-and-probe. (Let me tell you, the belated discovery that I don't actually have to have CD3 bloods and ultrasound done on CD3 has made a world of difference to the quality of my weekend mornings.) 112.5 IU of Gonal-F tomorrow night and Sunday night, back in on Monday morning. I very closely and specifically questioned the nurse who called me with instructions to make sure that Dr. SF wanted me to do the full 112.5 units, rather than dialing it down to approximate 100 as I did last cycle, and she confirmed yes, 112 (and that's why he wants me to come back after only 2 days of stims rather than the usual 3). Here we go!

Trying so hard

to have a good attitude, but jeez, it's like primary infertility all over again with the world rubbing other people's fertility in my face.

I saw the director of Bat Girl's school last week and found out one reason why BG may be obsessed with having a baby sister: Four, yes four, of her classmates are actually getting baby siblings this spring. One I had known about already; one I found out about when the mom showed up at BG's birthday party hugely pregnant; the other two I had no idea. (This is what happens when you're a working mom and never see any of the other mothers and drop-off or pick-up.)

Then, not 10 minutes ago, one of my work colleagues announced she's expecting her second. Her first is 2--hey, just about the age BG was when we started trying for number two! My coworker is also nearly exactly (like within a month) the same age as me, which just adds insult to injury--somehow it would be easier to deal with if she were a lot younger or a lot older.

Then there's my friend whose second pregnancy vibes I was hoping would rub off on me. I begged off a lunch date this past weekend, knowing that I wouldn't be able to deal, and spent the day outside with BG instead, watching her run around enjoying the springlike weather. We ran into one of the I-had-no-idea moms and her newborn.

As usual, the babies of fellow infertiles do not rub me the wrong way, at all. In fact, they delight me--I couldn't be happier, truly. And to be fair, for all I know, all of those other babies might have been hard fought for too. But I'm still not particularly happy hearing about them.

Meanwhile, yesterday I had to go in to my clinic for a blood draw--even though I swore up and down to the nurses that I really, truly do not ovulate on my own, they would not call in a Provera prescription unless I had bloodwork first to prove it. The nurse who called me with the results could have been a little more tactful: "So, we took some blood this morning to see where you are in your cycle, and it looks like there's really nothing going on at all," she said cheerily. "We'll definitely want to bring on a bleed!" That's me, a barren tundra inside! Yep!

(Yes, I'm exaggerating. I know I got pregnant once, I should be able to do it again. Just wallowing a bit here.)

Anyway, I'll be on Provera for 7 days and then we'll start the whole party over again. Whee!

Salt in the wound

Lately Bat Girl has been obsessed with having a sister and a brother. (That's AND, not OR.) Her brother is apparently a grown-up who lives in his own house and has lots of cool toys, which she describes to us at great length. Her sister is closer in age--sometimes she is "a big kid," sometimes she is 3 (did I mention that BG turned 4 last month??? bad mommy), and sometimes she is a baby.

I don't know if BG has picked up on the baby-wanting vibes around here, but in the last month or so she has turned up the volume on the baby sister talk, sometimes even going so far as to tell me that I have a baby sister growing in my belly. Which, as you can imagine, was fun to deal with while going through an ultimately doomed IUI cycle. We've had to (a) keep reminding her that Mommy doesn't have a baby in her belly, and (b) point out that if Mommy had a baby, it could be a sister OR a brother, and boy is she not happy with the idea of a baby brother. But if she asks, we do say that yes, we would like to have a baby sister (OR BROTHER) someday, and maybe we'll be lucky enough to have one.

Well, apparently she's pretty set on this baby business. Because yesterday, one of the moms at BG's preschool stopped my husband to ask about the baby sister that BG has been telling EVERYONE she's going to get soon. And today BG's teacher asked my husband if it was true I was pregnant.

It's a good thing I've had to go in to work early all week and so haven't been able to do school drop-off. Because I really, really, really would not have been able to handle those questions.