This is not the post I was hoping to write today

No. It did not work. I am definitely, absolutely, 100% for sure not pregnant.

This sucks.

Where everybody knows your name, part 2

One of the drawbacks of living in a lovely little close-knit urban neighborhood where you know 80% of the families with kids and always run into a friend when you're at the farmer's market is that inevitably, you will pop into the drugstore for your monthly HPT stock-up and spot the father of a classmate of your daughter's, waiting in line at the pharmacy counter with his two kids, two feet away from the HPT shelf.

You will consider turning right around and heading out of the store, but you literally have no other time when you can buy the precious tests, unless you risk running into a coworker at a drugstore near your office (way worse). So you will skulk in a neighboring aisle waiting for them to leave, like a guilty teenager trying not to get spotted buying condoms by a busybody neighbor, until you realize that their transaction is taking way too long and the ice cream in your shopping bag is melting. You will take a deep breath and make a mad dash, head down, darting out into the open just long enough to grab the familiar pink box, hoping that the argument the dad is having with the pharmacist will distract him from noticing what you're about, and that the older child will not recognize you without your daughter in tow. You will tuck the box under your arm while you wait in line at the cash register, and wave cheerfully at the little family as you leave the store.

You will realize later that you were being silly and that this dad probably could not have cared less if he did see you buying HPTs, if he even recognized the box at all, and even if he did, he probably would have forgotten about it before he got home. The mom, on the other hand, would definitely have known.

Early morning conversation

Bat Girl barges in on me in the bathroom where I stand, naked post-shower, putting in my contacts and putting together my face.

BG: Mommy, did you know that P [a classmate of hers] has a mommy and a daddy AND a baby AND a dog in her family?

Me: She also has a big brother. They have three kids in their family.

BG: Wow, that's a really large family! [yes, she really talks like this]

Me: Yes, it is.

BG: M [a family friend] has two kids in their family. That's the right number.

Me: Why is two kids the right number?

BG: It's not too many kids. Three is probably too many.

Me: One kid is a nice number too.

BG: No, I think we should have two kids. You and daddy need to put the egg and the seed together and make a baby.

Me: Okay, I will get right on that.

BG: How do a mommy and daddy put the egg and seed together?

Me: ...Oh look, Daddy's awake! Let's have some breakfast!

Where everybody knows your name

Saturday morning, the phlebotomist taking my blood peered at me as she led me to the chair. "You look familiar," she said in a heavy Eastern European accent. "You have baby with us already?"

"Um, yes," I said. "Five years ago."

"I knew I see you before!" she said triumphantly. "I never forget!"

"Well, I've also been coming here for a few months trying for number 2," I said, not adding, So maybe I look familiar to you because I've been in this office every other day, two weeks out of every month, for the last six months.

"Second one always go faster," she assured me. I told her, "Actually, the first one went a lot faster for me. This one is taking much longer." Funny enough, she didn't have much more to say to me after that.

They kept me at 75 IU over the weekend; this morning I had a few lead follicles around 18-19 mm and a couple much smaller ones. Dr. SF pondered the numbers, saying, "If this were your first cycle I'd definitely stop you here, but seeing as it's not" (it is SO not, I thought to myself) "I might give it one more day. We'll see how your E2 looks, if it's over 1000 we'll trigger tonight but if it's under 1000 we'll give it another push."

Must have been under 1000 because I was just instructed to take 75 IU again tonight, trigger tomorrow, IUI Thursday. That puts me at 10dpiui, when I always seem to know one way or the other, on...Father's Day! Great timing! Sigh.

The thing is, as bad-attitude as I know I sound, I can't seem to keep Hope, that feisty bitch, from rearing her perky head. Since I had a Memorial Day weekend IUI on the cycle I got pregnant with Bat Girl, I have a pretty good idea when a baby conceived this cycle would be due, without so much as counting on my fingers or consulting a due-date calculator. I can picture what the weather would be like as I walk my theoretical future baby through the park, or bring him/her with me when I pick BG up from school. And, God help me, I can even picture the sappy HPT commercial scene where I show the test to my husband and whisper, "Happy Father's Day!" Gag.

I know I will manage to go on if this doesn't work. I know because I have done it many times before. But I will still be devastated.

CD whatever

Well hello there! I haven't had time to update because I've had a hectic week of work. But I'm currently on day 4 of stims, which works out to CD-I-have-no-idea because as you may remember, I took an extra week off before I started stimming to help me get myself emotionally prepped. Which doesn't seem to help because I have a terrible attitude right now. I'm convinced this cycle won't work, am annoyed by the necessity of doing my shots, and generally feel hateful toward life. So yeah, I think taking the rest of the summer off will be a good and needed thing. Because, you know, this won't work.

Anyway, I've done 3 days of 112 IU Gonal-F, and tonight I'm doing 75 IU and going back in tomorrow. This morning's bloodwork showed E2 went from 89 on Tuesday to 510 today. Not that that really means anything to me, other than that it's a big jump--I know vaguely what E2 numbers should look like around trigger but the interim is just noise to me. But Nice Nurse volunteered the numbers without my even asking, which I loved.

Meanwhile, Bat Girl has just been diagnosed with vitiligo, of all things. Because we needed another weird condition to deal with over here. I haven't really processed my own feelings about it but of course the important thing is that she's basically healthy and we'll all be OK. More later.