Monday, May 09, 2011

How honest?

In order for us to make the IUI happen tomorrow morning without my being hideously late for work, my husband is going in early to make his contribution, and I'll drop Bat Girl off at school a half-hour early before racing to the clinic to do my part (i.e. lie back and think of England). When I got home from work today, my husband told me he'd confirmed that school was OK with us dropping BG off early (they have morning daycare) and that he'd already told BG about the change in schedule.

As I was putting BG to bed, she asked me, "Why am I going to school early tomorrow?" Oops--we hadn't agreed on a story beforehand. "Uh, what did Daddy tell you?" I asked.

"I don't know," was her response. So I figured I could safely tell her whatever excuse I felt was right. "Mommy has to go to work early and Daddy has to go to the doctor," I said, both of those lines having proved sufficient under similar circumstances in the past.

"That's not what Daddy said," she said, frowning. Uh-oh. "What did Daddy say?"

"He said you're going to go try to have a baby," she promptly responded.

My first instinct was to be pissed at my husband. Did our 4-year-old really need to know that? What if she told her teachers? What if she keeps asking tough questions? What if other people start asking tough questions?

Then I thought about it. Would it really be such a bad thing if people did know? With the exception of at work, I'm pretty open with people about our current TTC status (and even at work, a lot of people know about our previous infertility struggles). In contrast to the first time around, when we were pretty secretive about it, many people in our lives know that we're going through treatment right now--our close friends, our parents, our siblings. I had unofficially been keeping BG out of the loop, but after all, she's asked us for a baby brother or sister often enough at this point, and we've told her that we'd like to have a baby brother or sister in the family someday too. I suppose it's only one step further to let her know that yes, we are trying to make that happen.

She had some questions about how exactly we were trying for a baby, of course. She already knows the mommy-has-an-egg-and-daddy-has-a-seed-and-put-them-together-and-a-baby-grows-in-mommy's-tummy rough outline, having loudly asked "How do babies get made?" in the toothpaste aisle at the drugstore a couple of months ago. So I just told her that sometimes mommies and daddies need a little help from a doctor to put the egg and the seed together.

What I'm really concerned about, I guess, is disappointing her if this all doesn't work out. But I guess letting her know that we tried to have a baby, but couldn't, certainly isn't any worse than letting her think we never cared enough to try at all.

As long as she doesn't spill the beans to my boss, we're OK.

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Blogger Antrop√≥loga said...

The two times it has come up I didn't say anything about TTC or pregnancy (or miscarriage) to my kiddo because I didn't want to hear about it all the time. But it's also true that the children are a part of the family, too, and maybe should be included. I hope you have good news for her soon. :)

3:21 PM  
Blogger Molly said...

My initial impulse was to be annoyed with your husband too, for exactly the reason you listed -- seeing the disappointment in your daughter if it doesn't work. It's so sad to have to see kids learn that life isn't always fair and really sucks sometimes.

Fingers crossed for you.

12:25 PM  
Anonymous Heather said...

Crossing my fingers for you that everything went swimmingly (bad pun??) :-)

1:21 PM  

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