Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Coming out

Luckily the past couple of weeks have been pretty busy at work (deadlines) and at home (planning BG's FIFTH birthday party, OMG), so I've had things to take my mind off the fact that it's been a whole week since my NT scan. Not that I'm concerned about the results (which I still haven't gotten called about, BTW)--no, I'm worried about the fact that it's been a whole week since that ultrasound and I've got another week and a half until my next OB appointment. That's TWO AND A HALF WEEKS without a Live Baby Check, people. This may be the longest I've gone without an ultrasound, like, ever.

I was tempted to rent a Doppler--I didn't last time around because I was at the OB's office practically every week, but if I'm going to be all boring and normal this time it might be nice to have some reassurance in these long gaps between appointments before I can actually feel the baby move. But I discovered those things are surprisingly expensive ($40-$50 a month?) and I can't really justify the expense. That's like a month of formula, yo.

So while I bide my time, a question for you all: Is there a way to announce a pregnancy on Facebook that is NOT awful?

I know that ideally, you email or call everyone important personally, and obviously close friends and relatives either will get or have already gotten their own heads-up. But the reality is that there are people in my life who I'd like to share the news with but don't quite merit their own announcement, and Facebook is the logical way to make that happen. Besides, I do generally share photos of BG on FB, and would do so for a new baby too, and to me the only thing that delivers a worse sucker-punch than the unexpected FB pregnancy announcement is the unexpected birth announcement.

So how do you do it without being an asshole? Obviously, NOT like my crunchy home-birthing friend who capped off the announcement of her third pregnancy with the line, "12 weeks and our first midwife appointment tomorrow--can't wait to hear that heartbeat for the first time!" Like, OMG, you announce your pregnancy to everyone you know before you've had a single prenatal appointment? BEFORE YOU HAVE EVEN A SHRED OF CONFIRMATION FROM A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY PREGNANT?

I tend to think that something simple, with a minimum of gushing and NO belly pictures, is best. Maybe even with a nod (explicit or implied) to what it took to get there. I'm not sure exactly how this paragon of a post would be worded.

I'm fussing over this because, well, to occupy myself for one, but also because I know I have (non-blog) FB friends who are dealing with or have dealt with IF. I have two very close friends, one of whom went through an IVF cycle (her umpteenth, after having a miscarriage last year and losing her first baby a few days after birth the year before) a month or two before I did, and the other had an FET (again, after many, many cycles) a few weeks after I got my positive. Both ended in chemical pregnancies. I told both of them about my pregnancy right away, so they wouldn't be shocked by the news, but I know it will still hurt for them to see the news out in public. I have another FB friend, a work colleague whom I'm not super close with (not close enough to email her personally with the news), who I'm 99% sure did an IVF cycle last fall--we were talking about some work scheduling and she had two "procedures" five days apart, bed rest after the second one, and has made frequent references to her acupuncturist. And another, a single-mom-by-choice who spent a long, heartbreaking time trying, unsuccessfully, to conceive a second child.

I don't want to hurt these people, and the countless others who may be struggling in silence. But I don't want to deprive myself of some well-deserved joy and celebration, either.

Have you ever seen a FB pregnancy announcement that was handled well? What made it not painful and/or not-assholish?

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Blogger Rachel said...

I vote for renting a doppler. I didn't and always regretted it at some weird moment in the middle of the night when the only option was to trot out to L and D (which I did many, many times for a variety of reasons).

I'm not on FB so I don't know the protocol but I always find it nice when people add something which gives a little nod that getting pregnant was not easy. Something like: "We are excited to share our long-awaited news ..." I find that honesty so refreshing, as opposed to those who simply forget about the treatments as soon as they are pregnant (I AM looking at you 48 year old neighbor who was just "so surprised" to find herself pregnant with boy/girl twins).

5:03 PM  
Anonymous Jody said...

You know, I have a friend who married at 39 and suddenly, without any advance notice of ANY kind (which was sort of impressive on the part of her real-life friends, when you think about it) posted a baby photo. Without even a clear notice that this was her son! And I can see how this veers toward the terrible, but actually, I was just so thrilled and excited for her, I didn't even care.

Turns out she'd done 18 months 'on the boards,' having started IVF almost immediately after her honeymoon, and then had some complications post-delivery and yeah, I could feel nothing but delight for her.

Then there was my cousin who announced the pregnancy of her third baby, after two hellish pregnancies, and again, I could feel nothing but happiness for her.

Of course, I'm not TTC, either.

Point being (if there is a point) that maybe there's no perfect way to do these things, because it's all going to depend on the mood and disposition of the readers.

I think short and direct is probably best. I don't know how/if you hint at the road that got you there, either. "Long-hoped for/long-awaited" seems like as much of a nod as you need to give.

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Jody said...

I should have said, she married 2 years ago at age 39, and just posted the baby photo in November.

9:33 PM  
Anonymous antropologa said...

Most of the ones I have seen are pretty matter-of-fact. I only get a little annoyed when they are really early on when they announce it. Makes me nervous for them. I actually am not sure I ever announced this pregnancy on FB until the very end. I think people may have guessed from some pregnant-looking third-trimester vacation pics.

2:27 AM  
Anonymous antropologa said...

I looked and checked where I mentioned it first on FB. I was after the big anatomy scan ultrasound, to feel more certain, and I combined the announcement with saying we were coming to the US and did anybody want to meet up. I guess I was trying to minimize the pregnancy announcement for the sensitive.

2:30 AM  
Blogger Thalia said...

I think you can go ahead and do it in the way you suggest, and I like Rachel's addition. Some people may be sad, but I don't think they will be pissed off with you.

7:27 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I like Rachel's idea for both. I rented a doppler with Zack and it was so reassuring to have it. Also, something like our long awaited news, gives people a hint that it was not just an oops baby and perhaps takes down the guard a bit for those struggling with their own issues.

Or you could just go with, after several rounds of treatments we are finally pregnant. Yes that's right you insensitive a$$holes who continually questioned as to why we waited so long inbetween children, it is not just a one night romp in the sack for everyone.

Too much?? :-)

1:47 PM  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

Yeah, what they said. That reaction you are hoping to avoid might happen with someone, whether you spend hours deliberating over the message or not. For me (and I think a lot of us have been there), someone can put that information out there in the most reasonable, balanced, and non-assholish way possible, but if I'm in a negative place, it makes me sad anyway. I can still be happy for that person though, even if I'm simultaneously cursing my dumbass ovaries.

I'm sure however you choose to do it will be in your usual amazing and thoughtful way.

9:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi- found your blog when searching for infertility blogs and I have been following since! Though my husband and I have not been successful yet, I have already written my Facebook post in my head. I plan to write something like this..."finally after 2 1/2 years of trying, we finally kicked infertility's ass. EDD: the fall!" That's my plan. Simple, shows how long a process it has been and is a little vague for those who want to ignore it. Anyway, good luck and congrats! Just so it doesn't seem like I am that much of a creeper, my blog is juddbaby.blogspot.com. I am angry most of the time in it, but this is a pretty infuriating process.

10:49 AM  
Blogger Yo-yo Mama said...

You can't make everyone happy and frankly you shouldn't be asked to either. I have one friend who said she doesn't care how long they've tried or the heartache they've gone through, every pregnancy announcement leads to her blocking their content on FB.

I also looked through my statuses and while I had FB, my ONLY friends there were IF bloggers who already knew I was pregnant through my blog.

I have two thoughts: 1) what's the hurry to announce it? Or why so formally as an announcement? Ten years ago think about how you knew any acquaintance was pregnant. It was through a friend, word-of-mouth. We didn't send "I'm pregnant!" cards.

2) You do what makes you happy and feels at peace. It can be as passive as taking a picture in a maternity top (but IS it a maternity top??) or an update that just cuts to the chase in the way Rachel suggested.

11:28 PM  
Anonymous Alexa said...

I BOUGHT my doppler for $50. It's mine for keeps, and it has saved my sanity many, many times. It is a Sonoline B and I got it on ebay (the seller was eastshoremedical, I think).

6:08 PM  
Anonymous pregnant said...

I think you can go ahead and do it in the way you suggest, and I like Rachel's addition.

7:40 AM  
Blogger Caroline Ahmed said...

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6:49 AM  

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