The road not taken

Last weekend, we got the official embryology report from the clinic. The one piece of information NOT on there, of course, was the one piece of information I didn't already know, which is how many of our embryos made it to day 5 besides the one we transferred. In other words, how many potentially viable embryos did we throw away?

I have to assume there was at least one, because the doctor who did our transfer was very particular about confirming beforehand that we didn't want to freeze anything. But nobody has volunteered the information, and we haven't asked.

I'm torn about whether I want to know. Sheer curiosity, if nothing else, makes me want to know. But then, knowing won't really change anything or add anything, beyond putting a hard number on the nagging thought, we just threw them away. (And in case you didn't already know, I'm hugely pro-choice and if it weren't for my husband's reservations about freezing I would have chosen to donate unused embryos to research.)

If I weren't pregnant, it would be different. Knowing would give us some perspective on whether we should reconsider freezing on a second cycle. Knowing would help us understand how good my eggs are, whether this was really the right protocol or if we should go for a more robust stim next time. But assuming all continues well with this pregnancy (crossing all digits and banging on every wood surface within reach, ptui ptui), that's it. We are done with ART. We are done with trying to get pregnant. I don't care if my ovaries never pop another egg out for the rest of my life.

So I sit, and stare at this sheet of paper, and wonder.