Yeah. Sorry for leaving you hanging with that teasing post and then not showing up for nearly a week. Work exploded and then it was the weekend and I never have time to blog on the weekend because of being in Mommy mode and then, well, yeah.
So. I don't really know what came over me. I've posted here before about my ambivalence about having another child, swinging from pole to pole depending on the day and the season and whether I've just watched an episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8
. (Cute kids! But OMG, there are so many of them!) Some days, I feel so complete in my love for my daughter that I can't imagine needing any more. Some days, I feel so lucky in that love that I can't imagine not
wanting more. Some days, I fret over our budget and my stuck-in-the-Big-City career and think there's no way
we can afford another. Some days, I think maybe if I just chilled out on my Whole Foods habit there would be plenty of cash for another year of organic formula. Some days, I am overwhelmed by how hard parenting is and think how crazy we would have to be to add another to the mix. Some days, I think about what kind of sister Bat Girl might be and think how sad it would be not to see that.
Then there's my husband, who after months of his own ambivalence has finally stated that yes, he would like to have another. It just seems right, he says. But he's also currently in talks to go back to work, in a job that would involve him being at work many, many, many hours a week, at a time of day mostly opposite to my own work hours. (This is just a fact of life of what he does for a living.) This would mean no more SAH dad, and instead paying for daycare and having less flexibility in my own hours because I'd need to race home to pick up BG before 5:30, and then with two kids, that means paying for daycare for two, and being basically a single parent every night, etc. etc. etc....
But then, I don't know what happened, I came into work that morning, and it was like a fugue state came over me. I was on my clinic's website, and then I was dialing the number, and pressing the button to be connected to the billing department, and talking to the nice lady there (oh, they are so nice at my clinic), and then I was sitting there thinking, What have I done?
Because it's not like we've been trying, or even not preventing. I'm still on the pill. And to be perfectly frank, we haven't had sex since 2007. (I keep meaning to write that post about sex but god, it's so depressing...) I mean, not like sex = baby anyway (can you imagine?), but I feel like one ought to at least put in a good-faith effort, right? So we'd need to work on that first. And maybe I'd go back on metformin, or maybe not. And then we would go straight to IVF, because I WILL NOT risk multiples after what I went through when I was pregnant with BG, and we would do single-embryo transfer. And even though my clinic takes my insurance, I only have a $10,000 limit for IVF and related expenses (I think including meds, but I'm not sure), and I think that barely covers one fresh cycle, let alone possibly multiple FETs, and we really couldn't afford it without insurance, and and and...
And then I get a headache and have to stop thinking about it.