Thursday, February 11, 2010

Technically still an IF blog

Bat Girl turned 3 last week, and I know I owe the 10 of you some sort of birthday post, which I will try to get to, I promise. (Though a lot of my mommyblog-type energy gets diverted to Facebook, where it's easier to throw up a sentence or two about some cute/hilarious/crazy-making thing my kid just did.)

But I just got off the phone with Dr. SF, and I wanted to get this down before I forgot. I called him earlier today and left a message asking whether there was any value to my having an HSG, just to make sure my tube is clear, since we're taking a break from treatment right now anyway. He called back and we ended up having a long discussion about options and next steps. Everyone involved is clear that, medically speaking, IVF would be the most efficient and responsible way to achieve a pregnancy. But since that's officially out of the question for us due to my husband's beliefs/discomfort/whatever you want to call it, Dr. SF said there's no reason why we can't continue to do injectible IUI cycles--we just have to be patient. Looking at the numbers, the last cycle I did in November was almost identical to the cycle where I got pregnant, and it's just luck (or rather lack thereof) that it didn't work. My FSH is good, husband's sperm looks good, so I should be able to get pregnant, it'll just take more time and finesse.

I explained to him that because we no longer have insurance coverage for IF treatment, we'll be waiting a few more months before diving back in, so we can either save up for another cycle (though I do have that Gonal F chilling in my fridge, thank goodness) or maybe acquire some insurance with IF coverage. Dr. SF said that if we do change our minds about IVF, there are a few grant programs available through the state and through the clinic that can help pay for it, so that's good to know (though I don't think we will change our minds).

Since my last period in November, I'm 99% sure I haven't ovulated. I spotted on and off through most of January, and last weekend finally started a heavier bleed, but it doesn't look or feel like a real period. Dr. SF said that if this "period" lasts more than 7-10 days, or if at any point I go more than 60 days without a period, I'm probably not ovulating and I should go into the office to get bloodwork and probably a Provera prescription, to clear things out.

And he had no objections to my getting an HSG (which my insurance will cover), and said he'd have a nurse call me to make the arrangements. Couldn't hurt, might help. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for--if it turns out my one tube has been clogged this whole time and all those cycles last year were a waste of time and energy and $$$, I will be pissed. On the other hand, it will be a weird sort of relief to have something concrete to blame it on, rather than this feeling of frustration that it SHOULD have worked but didn't for no discernable reason.

The lack of insurance/$ provides a handy excuse for not diving back in right now. It's true, we do need to wait from a financial standpoint, but I'm still burned out from all those back-to-back cycles last summer and fall. I still can't contemplate sinking a needle into my belly again without a wave of revulsion passing over me.

But I do have baby fever. It's weird--as you all know, the newborn/baby phase was NOT my favorite. Yet I do feel a yearning wistfulness when I see a baby, and sadness that Bat Girl's baby days are long past. I snuggle my great big long-legged potty-using girl and have a tinge of wishing for a baby to cuddle. Clearly this is part of nature's plan to perpetuate the species, by making the baby urge stronger than the "oh God never again." But I also wish for a sibling for BG, for her not to be alone in the world. Sigh.

I know there are more thoughts here but if I wait until I have the time to sort them out and get them down I will never finish this post. So just fill in the blank here with everything ambivalent that anyone has ever said or thought about having another child, and I'll go ahead and hit "publish."

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7 Comments:

Blogger statia said...

It's so weird how we're programmed like that. The first days of infanthood with a toddler were HELL. I mean, those first weeks were just a nightmare for me. I contemplated my sanity and everything else, but it went so quickly, that once it was promptly over, I wanted to do it again. Probably because I know I'm done forever, and that's been the hardest for me to deal with.

She's only 9 months old and I miss those days already.

3:54 PM  
Blogger May said...

Ever since Buddy turned 2 I have had serious baby fever. And now I'm about to register Dee for KINDERGARTEN. (Sob.)

It's been hard knowing my uterus has been officially retired. May yours come out of retirement soon so I can remind myself how good it is to be done with the sleep deprivation!

4:09 PM  
Blogger Yo-yo Mama said...

Definitely agree about getting an HSG and if you can time it close to your IUI, that would be even better (if the rumor is true that an HSG helps "flush" the tubes).

Infancy: the hardest stage, the shortest, and the most missed.

11:08 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

we should be friends on facebook, I miss hearing about BatGirl!

I am even now in the throws of horrible sleep deprivation, yet I long for another tiny baby, even though I know it's not right for our family. You're right, there is something deeply primal about it.

3:34 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Electriclady, I'm glad you had such a good, long, informative conversation with Dr. SF. The plan -- both to do more IUIs and to do another HSG -- sounds very good indeed. And as for the ambivalence mixed in with the primal urge for a second, oh how I get that. I hope the break helps you sort things out a bit and that you get what you wish for very soon. XO

(Oh and ditto on Facebook!)

4:22 PM  
Blogger K77 said...

I can't believe she's 3 already. I'm sorry it's all so hard and complicated.

7:26 AM  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

Thank god for FB, that's what I say.

As usual, vis a vis the second kid issue, you're spot on. Your last two paragraphs really resonated with me, and I'm convinced you're often reading my thoughts. Get out of my head woman!

6:37 PM  

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