I've been going through major emotional ups and downs since Saturday. Saturday night I broke down crying to my husband, but the low point was this morning, when I had to go in for my day 3 bloodwork in preparation for starting our IVF cycle. Obviously I just didn't want to be there, and for some reason I had to wait forever to get my blood drawn, and I kept thinking how I had hoped that today I'd be sitting there waiting to get a blood draw for my beta, and how instead I was facing down another cycle of daily injections and blood draws and bruised flesh and I basically started crying right there in the waiting room of my clinic.
Then there was the absurdity of the fact that my delay at the infertility clinic was making me late for a play date with my daughter's best buddy (his mom and I have been friends since they were newborns and we were in a moms group together), and that the thing I hated most about having to go in for monitoring every day for a week was that I got cheated out of my mornings with Bat Girl, when the morning before I leave for work has always been our time.
And you know, I call bullshit on this whole primary IF vs. secondary IF pain Olympics. It doesn't make it any easier, already having a child, and it doesn't make it any harder, knowing what I'm missing. The quality of the pain is entirely different, but both hurt like hell. (OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER YES I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE BABIES OR GONAL-F OR ARMS AND LEGS AND THEIR LIVES ARE SO MUCH WORSE THAN MINE.)
All I can do is keep moving forward. I started BCP today, and will be on it for at least 2-3 weeks. My IVF coordinator will be calling me this week to go over the schedule. So, here we go.
I have so many more thoughts banging around in my head but I can't get them out right now. Maybe I should rewind and watch that "Don't Stop Believin'" number again.