CD4
Um, hi! It's me! You know, the one who wrote all about how she wasn't going to do IVF, and didn't know whether she got her dream job, and didn't know when she was going to start treatment again, and then disappeared for a week? Yeah, I'm back. And, as you can see from my brilliant post title, I'm on day 4 of a new IUI/injectibles cycle.
I still haven't heard what's up with Dream Job, but mentally I've already moved on. (I talked to my friend who is also up for the job and it looks like they've started calling in more people for final interviews, so apparently my dazzling personality did not overcome my other shortcomings.) I have a line on a consulting gig that would start this winter, after my current gig runs out. We still have our good insurance, for three more months anyway, and I was desperate to stop taking the pill that Dr. SF's people put me on for the IVF prep (it was not my usual pill and it made my skin horrible and I bled EVERY SINGLE DAY that I was on it).
So Friday night, my husband and I talked and talked and talked, and then we said "Fuck it" and I tossed out the pill packet. Got my period Sunday, and went in yesterday for Day 3 bloodwork and u/s. 75 IU of Gonal-F yesterday and today, back in tomorrow for more bloods and u/s. And probably every day for the next week and a half, if past history is any indication.
I'm feeling pretty Zen about this cycle. I think. I can now admit that I was terrified of IVF and am relieved not to be doing multiple shots a day, relieved not to have to brave the PIO, relieved not to be writing a $750 check for anesthesia and signing a credit card authorization for the $1,000 cryopreservation charge.
When my husband and I were talking Friday about how some days we're totally on board with having a second child and others we are SO NOT, I expressed for the millionth time my frustration that we're not able to just go off birth control and see what happens, that we HAVE to make a decision and a concerted effort to conceive another child. And my husband said, also for the millionth time, "Well, this is just how it is for us, and we just have to deal with it."
And finally, this week, something clicked and I got it. See, I have a friend who is in a tough situation not of her own making, and there is absolutely nothing she can do about it. Nothing. And she complains about it, as she is totally entitled to do, and I am there for her to give whatever support she needs. But sometimes I just want to tell her, in the kindest way possible, "Look, this is how it is. You can keep complaining about it and continue to be miserable, or you can try to find a way to be happy, given the limitations of your situation." (I do not tell her this, because I am chickenshit.)
Yesterday I realized: This is just like me with IF. The reality of my life is that I am infertile. I can keep complaining and wishing things were different, or I can move on and make the best of it with what I have.
I don't know why, but I never GOT IT like that before. Maybe I was too wrapped up in my own misery, or maybe I just needed to do a lot of mourning and healing before I was ready to think this way. But I have done plenty of mourning in the five years since I first started trying to get pregnant. And I'm ready to move on.
(DISCLAIMER: I am not saying that ANYONE ELSE but me needs to move on. I respect other people's grief and bitterness over infertility 100%, and I also realize that it's a hell of a lot easier for me to move on from IF pain when I'm on the other side with a child.)
I've been feeling a new sense of lightness since coming to this realization. It's nice. It didn't make last night's shot any easier, but it's making this cycle in general feel a little less fraught.
Oh, PS, just in case there wasn't enough going on right now, my husband suddenly has an opportunity to start his own business. Not sure if it's going to happen or not--there are a lot of steps that need to be taken and a lot of research that needs to be done. But we do like our stress over here, preferably in very large helpings.
I still haven't heard what's up with Dream Job, but mentally I've already moved on. (I talked to my friend who is also up for the job and it looks like they've started calling in more people for final interviews, so apparently my dazzling personality did not overcome my other shortcomings.) I have a line on a consulting gig that would start this winter, after my current gig runs out. We still have our good insurance, for three more months anyway, and I was desperate to stop taking the pill that Dr. SF's people put me on for the IVF prep (it was not my usual pill and it made my skin horrible and I bled EVERY SINGLE DAY that I was on it).
So Friday night, my husband and I talked and talked and talked, and then we said "Fuck it" and I tossed out the pill packet. Got my period Sunday, and went in yesterday for Day 3 bloodwork and u/s. 75 IU of Gonal-F yesterday and today, back in tomorrow for more bloods and u/s. And probably every day for the next week and a half, if past history is any indication.
I'm feeling pretty Zen about this cycle. I think. I can now admit that I was terrified of IVF and am relieved not to be doing multiple shots a day, relieved not to have to brave the PIO, relieved not to be writing a $750 check for anesthesia and signing a credit card authorization for the $1,000 cryopreservation charge.
When my husband and I were talking Friday about how some days we're totally on board with having a second child and others we are SO NOT, I expressed for the millionth time my frustration that we're not able to just go off birth control and see what happens, that we HAVE to make a decision and a concerted effort to conceive another child. And my husband said, also for the millionth time, "Well, this is just how it is for us, and we just have to deal with it."
And finally, this week, something clicked and I got it. See, I have a friend who is in a tough situation not of her own making, and there is absolutely nothing she can do about it. Nothing. And she complains about it, as she is totally entitled to do, and I am there for her to give whatever support she needs. But sometimes I just want to tell her, in the kindest way possible, "Look, this is how it is. You can keep complaining about it and continue to be miserable, or you can try to find a way to be happy, given the limitations of your situation." (I do not tell her this, because I am chickenshit.)
Yesterday I realized: This is just like me with IF. The reality of my life is that I am infertile. I can keep complaining and wishing things were different, or I can move on and make the best of it with what I have.
I don't know why, but I never GOT IT like that before. Maybe I was too wrapped up in my own misery, or maybe I just needed to do a lot of mourning and healing before I was ready to think this way. But I have done plenty of mourning in the five years since I first started trying to get pregnant. And I'm ready to move on.
(DISCLAIMER: I am not saying that ANYONE ELSE but me needs to move on. I respect other people's grief and bitterness over infertility 100%, and I also realize that it's a hell of a lot easier for me to move on from IF pain when I'm on the other side with a child.)
I've been feeling a new sense of lightness since coming to this realization. It's nice. It didn't make last night's shot any easier, but it's making this cycle in general feel a little less fraught.
Oh, PS, just in case there wasn't enough going on right now, my husband suddenly has an opportunity to start his own business. Not sure if it's going to happen or not--there are a lot of steps that need to be taken and a lot of research that needs to be done. But we do like our stress over here, preferably in very large helpings.
Labels: deep thoughts, infertility
posted by electriclady at 1:27 PM
5 Comments:
Yay for CD4. And I like Zen. I try to achieve it some days, and some days it works. Others, I feel like yanking out my hair.
Way to go for it!
I know what you mean about needing to come to terms with IF and other things in your life. I was actually better at coming to terms with the IF than I was about my body's inability to deliver vaginally. Being unable to do the VBAC was so disappointing to me. Shouldn't my body be able to do that? It can't conceive on it's own, it doesn't do well pregnancy... surely it should at least be able to delivery a baby out of the right spot? Apparently not. My hubby has helped me mostly come to terms with that. My body just doesn't do those things. If we didn't live in this day and age, I would either be considered "barren" or have died in childbirth. I'm working on being thankful for living in this time period.
I know exactly what you mean about suddenly getting it. Epiphany. For me it was in grad school, working for the most evil man ever. We all complained bitterly about him for ages (and, may I say, rightfully so). But then one day, I realized I couldn't change him. I could make the best of it and keep working there, or I could go work somewhere else. I was just DONE being miserable over the whole thing.
Hooray for zen.
Best of luck with this IUI cycle; Zen is awesome!
So happy to see an update...was wondering what happened to you!!
I totally get what you are saying...S thinks the same way and it took me a while to get there. It still doesn't make IF any easier, but this is what I was handed and I can't change it.
How exciting about the business opportunity!!
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