Ack.
Because I cannot think clearly enough to compose coherent sentences/paragraphs, I present my Monday in bullet points:
• Called Freedom Drug to confirm delivery of my meds--in case you're curious, that's 2 courses of doxycycline (1 for me, 1 for husband), 1 Lupron 2-week kit, 7 tablets of Medrol (I think that's for in case they end up doing micromanipulation like ICSI or assisted hatching, which I think is unlikely but whatever), and 2 vials of the dreaded PIO. They're going to try to get insurance to cover at least some of it, but I was pleasantly surprised to learn that even if I end up having to pay out of pocket, the total will be "only" $314.39. Yay! (And yay again for stocking up on Gonal-F.)
• Got a call from Dream Job--they loved me in the interviews, but have some reservations about one particular issue, and so they want me to come in for one more round of interviews, this time to meet with two new people and a second 1-hour round (third if you count the initial phone interview) with the CEO.
• Basically, I was given to understand that if I nail these interviews, the job is mine.
• The one particular issue they have reservations about is one that I personally know to be my weakest suit. In my most confident moments, I consider this to be an area in which I am merely very competent (as opposed to my brilliance in every other aspect of my work life). In my weakest moments, I feel that this is the weak link that dooms me to a life of mediocrity and/or failure.
• It is incredibly nerve-wracking to know that whether or not you get a job hinges on whether or not you can prove yourself in your weakest area.
• It is incredibly distressing, as useful as it is, to get feedback that basically confirms your own harshest assessment of yourself.
• So much so that I freaked out on the phone to my husband when I called to tell him about this and ended up crying on my cell phone in the middle of a busy Big City sidewalk. Nice.
• Approximately 50% of the freakout was interview-induced, the other 50% was the IVF issue coming up again. Because it's now clear that the decision on this job may come very quickly--may come this week, since I've got my series of interviews tomorrow and Wednesday. May come, in fact, before I start Lupron next week.
• As I was freaking out on Third Avenue, my husband pointed out that maybe I have a little too much on my plate, what with the job thing and the IVF, and maybe we should consider holding off.
• Cue round 2 of hysterics. Panic about cost, insurance, "but I'm not getting any younger!", "if we don't do it now we can never do it!", etc.
• The thing is, if I had already started the IVF protocol when offered a job, I would be OK with continuing, as per my last post. But what if they offer me the job this week? Could I really handle the pressures of a new job and the stress of IVF--not to mention the side effects of the drugs, etc.?
• I have been trying to come up with a zoo-related analogy to illuminate all this, but I fail. But this job involves being head of a small but growing zoo with a very large penguin division (click the link if that doesn't make sense to you).
• If I think about it, as long as the meds will keep (and I checked, the Gonal-F pens have an expiration date in 2011), it wouldn't be terrible if we waited until next year to do IVF. Yes, it would be expensive without insurance, but if I had a job we might be able to make it work.
• But I want a baaaaybeeee noooooooow!
• (Not really. But I do like the idea of BG and her theoretical sibling being around three years apart.)
• At any rate, now I am starting to lean toward holding off--assuming I get an offer before next week, that is. If I don't, all bets are off.
• I realize that is in complete contradiction to where I was going in my last post.
• I am confused.
• I am going to lock down and just keep my head focused on the job stuff for the next couple days, and worry about the IVF stuff later. Or I will try to do that, anyway.
• Called Freedom Drug to confirm delivery of my meds--in case you're curious, that's 2 courses of doxycycline (1 for me, 1 for husband), 1 Lupron 2-week kit, 7 tablets of Medrol (I think that's for in case they end up doing micromanipulation like ICSI or assisted hatching, which I think is unlikely but whatever), and 2 vials of the dreaded PIO. They're going to try to get insurance to cover at least some of it, but I was pleasantly surprised to learn that even if I end up having to pay out of pocket, the total will be "only" $314.39. Yay! (And yay again for stocking up on Gonal-F.)
• Got a call from Dream Job--they loved me in the interviews, but have some reservations about one particular issue, and so they want me to come in for one more round of interviews, this time to meet with two new people and a second 1-hour round (third if you count the initial phone interview) with the CEO.
• Basically, I was given to understand that if I nail these interviews, the job is mine.
• The one particular issue they have reservations about is one that I personally know to be my weakest suit. In my most confident moments, I consider this to be an area in which I am merely very competent (as opposed to my brilliance in every other aspect of my work life). In my weakest moments, I feel that this is the weak link that dooms me to a life of mediocrity and/or failure.
• It is incredibly nerve-wracking to know that whether or not you get a job hinges on whether or not you can prove yourself in your weakest area.
• It is incredibly distressing, as useful as it is, to get feedback that basically confirms your own harshest assessment of yourself.
• So much so that I freaked out on the phone to my husband when I called to tell him about this and ended up crying on my cell phone in the middle of a busy Big City sidewalk. Nice.
• Approximately 50% of the freakout was interview-induced, the other 50% was the IVF issue coming up again. Because it's now clear that the decision on this job may come very quickly--may come this week, since I've got my series of interviews tomorrow and Wednesday. May come, in fact, before I start Lupron next week.
• As I was freaking out on Third Avenue, my husband pointed out that maybe I have a little too much on my plate, what with the job thing and the IVF, and maybe we should consider holding off.
• Cue round 2 of hysterics. Panic about cost, insurance, "but I'm not getting any younger!", "if we don't do it now we can never do it!", etc.
• The thing is, if I had already started the IVF protocol when offered a job, I would be OK with continuing, as per my last post. But what if they offer me the job this week? Could I really handle the pressures of a new job and the stress of IVF--not to mention the side effects of the drugs, etc.?
• I have been trying to come up with a zoo-related analogy to illuminate all this, but I fail. But this job involves being head of a small but growing zoo with a very large penguin division (click the link if that doesn't make sense to you).
• If I think about it, as long as the meds will keep (and I checked, the Gonal-F pens have an expiration date in 2011), it wouldn't be terrible if we waited until next year to do IVF. Yes, it would be expensive without insurance, but if I had a job we might be able to make it work.
• But I want a baaaaybeeee noooooooow!
• (Not really. But I do like the idea of BG and her theoretical sibling being around three years apart.)
• At any rate, now I am starting to lean toward holding off--assuming I get an offer before next week, that is. If I don't, all bets are off.
• I realize that is in complete contradiction to where I was going in my last post.
• I am confused.
• I am going to lock down and just keep my head focused on the job stuff for the next couple days, and worry about the IVF stuff later. Or I will try to do that, anyway.
Labels: infertility, woe is me
posted by electriclady at 4:44 PM
8 Comments:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!
I'm amazed you're keeping it together at all. Good luck with the interview. And I loved your comment on Julie's blog today. Leather pants. Snort.
Take a deep breath. Everything will be ok.
Re the baybeee, advice from last post still true. It is what it is, go ahead with the cycle, it's not up to you to be responsible for the new company's reaction if you should get pregnant.
hang in there.
Agree with Thalia.
Issues related to your family should not prevent company from wanting you. If they do, maybe it's not a Dream Job after all . . .
Or maybe I'm talking out of my ass. I really don't know.
I kind of want to cry for you. I could feel my own BP climbing as I read this. I'm sorry. I wish I had some sage words here.
Agree with Thalia--I know easier to say since I am not in your situation.
Hang in there!
Oh yes, I know all of this. Well, except for this whole job interview thing.
It's a cop out, but I don't think there are any answers. Easy ones, difficult ones, whatever. You'll just never know what the right one will be, so you just have to go with what you want.
I'm talking out of my ass, but since this is the route I've decided to take I'm being all preachy.
Weirdly, I hadn't even read Molly's comment when I said I was talking out of my ass. That girl and I really are like a married couple who finish each other's sentences.
Also, you need to pursue treatment so that the three of us spawn more or less simultaneously. Not that I'm likely to get pregnant in the next ten years, but if we all did that would make me way more happy than it should.
Lovelyy post
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