I cried. I totally cried. It was the signs that did it--button-pushing, yes, but such a simple, powerful visual (if you ignore all the pregnant teenager/abortion stats in the beginning and the "gave up my career"). They made all the pain and heartache and frustration of infertility--feelings I haven't felt in a long time--come flooding back.
I have to confess that infertility is not a place I live anymore. Often, I am simply too caught up in the day-to-day of caring for an infant while working full-time to dwell on what it took to get here, other than, nearly every day, snuggling Bat Girl close and being thankful to have her--but I'd like to think that I'd feel the same way even if I'd gotten pregnant instantly.
The IF blog community has been so important to me over the past 3 1/2 years, and I still try to keep up with everyone--but looking at my blogroll, I realize that nearly everyone on it is now either a mother or is pregnant (which is an amazing and heartwarming thing). I would like to add some new TTC bloggers to my feeds and continue to give back some of the incredible support I have gotten over the years, but since people who are still TTC are, for obvious reasons, not likely to be hanging around commenting on my riveting posts about baby poop, nor on the new-mom-after-IF blogs I frequent, I don't often come across new bloggers. I love everything that Mel is doing to bring our community together, but I just don't have the time to click through her long (amazing! so well-curated!) list of blogs, reading and discovering, the way I used to do with Julie's big list.
And, to be brutally honest, even when I do click through to a new blog, it's sometimes hard for me to relate. I am not swimming in that bitterness anymore. I do still sometimes get angry when I see pregnant women, but more often than not it's not because they are pregnant, but because they are out walking the streets enjoying life while pregnant, something I never got to do. But the wrenching disappointment of the BFN, the canceled cycle--I understand it, but I don't feel it the way I used to. I still consider myself infertile, but let's face it--I've got the prize. I have what I wanted for so long, and so for the most part, the wounds of infertility have healed.
But watching the video made all those feelings rush back. And I hope that I never completely forget what it was like, no matter how healed, how whole, I am.