Saturday, July 08, 2006

Obligatory "Where is this blog going?" post

You may have noticed that I've changed my tagline (up there) and profile (over there) to reflect my current status. And though I know it's de rigeur to feel awkward about BWP (that's Blogging While Pregnant, y'all), and of course I understand those who feel that way, truly, I have no intention of giving up blogging now that I'm the-P-word. I know that this blog may become an unsafe or even painful place for some of you, and I will completely understand if you feel you can't come here, miss you though I might. (Believe me, there have been times when certain links on my blogroll went unclicked for weeks, months at a time, because I just couldn't take reading about someone else's happiness.) But I have to keep writing--for a number of reasons.

First, the public-service reason. I feel like I'm striking out into uncharted waters here. I've only read one other blog that chronicled a UU pregnancy from start to take-home-baby finish--Miss W.'s, which featured a shortening cervix, months of bedrest, and preterm labor. (Wessel, whom I know we all still miss dearly, wrote about having a perfectly normal pregnancy with her UU, but years after the fact. BTW, did you know that if you go to Wessel's old blogspot.com address, it's now someone's dog training blog?!? The nerve!) I hope that this pregnancy will be somewhat less dramatic than Miss W.'s, but no matter how things turn out, maybe someone else out there will learn something from my experience. At least half of the search engine hits I get are from people looking for info on unicornuate uterus, and I know from experience that there isn't a whole lot of info out there.

Then there's the selfish reason. Again, uncharted waters--I really have no idea what's in store for me over the next 32 (please please please let it be 32) weeks. So far, things have been pretty textbook, and it could continue that way for the remainder of a completely uneventful pregnancy. But things could also all go to hell, in a wide variety of ways, and if they do, I will need you guys. Oh, how I will need you.

Just how much I need you, now and forever, was brought home to me by a fight I had last night with my husband. It all started when he confessed he'd told our neighbor about the pregnancy. Now, our neighbor is a very lovely elderly lady who I see in the laundry room or out in front of the building once a week or so, and we talk about our cats and stuff, but she is NOT someone we are close to in any way, nor is she AT ALL someone whom I would have wanted to know before the first trimester was over. My husband said he thought we were telling people after we heard a heartbeat, and in fairness to him, we never worked out a new telling-people plan after the first one fell to pieces. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I got at him--first, because some very close friends of ours still don't know, and he told our NEIGHBOR first? Then, I started picturing myself running into her after having a miscarriage, and her asking how the pregnancy was going, and me being absolutely destroyed.

Then it just dissolved into a huge sobbing fest with me wailing about how scared I was, and how I really don't trust my body to do this--and my husband becoming progressively more annoyed with me. Yes, annoyed! He said he was so excited about this pregnancy, and he didn't understand why I was so upset and not allowing myself to be happy--after all, look how easy it ended up being to get pregnant, why shouldn't the rest of it be too? (Yeah, you inject yourself in the belly until your ovaries grow to the size of avocados and then we'll talk about easy, buddy.) And I kept setting us up for disaster, and why couldn't I just enjoy the moment and stop reading all the horror stories and BE HAPPY? I said, I'm trying to be happy, I am happy, but it's not like there's a switch I can flip to instantly turn off the worry. This went on for a while, and at some point he said something to the effect of, "Well, if that's how you feel, I guess you're on your own then." And I said, "I guess I am." And I felt so unbelievably alone.

And that's why I need you guys.

(Lest you all think my dearly beloved is a complete asshole, I should tell you that we did make up, and apologies went all around, and we are okay now. He was the one who pointed out that we're both being faced with a huge change in our lives and our relationship, and it's bound to make us both a little crazy and say things we shouldn't from time to time.)

6 Comments:

Blogger gaelen said...

I'm glad you are still going to write. I won't stop worrying either until you come home with a baby in your arms -so please keep us posted!

Congratulations!

7:49 PM  
Blogger Miracles & Dreams said...

Hi

I just came across your blog.

I have a left UU both kidneys and ovaries but only the left tube.

I will give you some hope, I finally have a baby boy he was born at 33weeks, while I was pg we kept hoping I'd atleast reach 28weeks. He is a healthy boy at 10months old now and we are TTC baby #2 (hoping this one comes easier)

Best of luck to you and Congratulations!

Y

12:04 AM  
Blogger Rachel Inbar said...

Here's to a boring 32 more weeks! Do keep writing! As you said, it's a great service to all those in the same position.

I understand the story with your husband but have learned that it's not worth the tears... what's done is done and I'm sure he only meant well. Be happy that he is so excited :-)

9:21 AM  
Blogger MoMo said...

I am so glad that you are going to stick around...I enjoy your blog very much. Just like you, we have the issue of who to tell and when--I think as the weeks go by our rules are getting less and less strict. Hang in there...

9:31 AM  
Blogger electriclady said...

Rachel--I totally agree. I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that it's more important to be happy than to be right.

y--thanks for sharing! It's nice to hear other people's success stories.

11:10 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I understand the worry. I think husband's must just not get it. I had only very mild trouble concieving (Clomid) and no reason to believe that once I got there I would have trouble staying there but I have worried every week since.

All I can say is congratulations and I'm glad you're going to keep writing!!

2:51 PM  

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