Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Musings

It occurred to me that my last post could have come off as a bit cocky, or at least overconfident--counting my chickens before their heartbeats hatch, so to speak. I know (as do all of us who read IF blogs regularly, especially anyone who's been around all the heartbreak of the last few months) that everything can go to hell in an instant. A yolk sac and fetal pole are no guarantees of a viable pregnancy--hell, even seeing a heartbeat doesn't guarantee you'll still be pregnant a week later. But I am trying--oh, how I am trying--to just enjoy this, to be optimistic, to assume the best rather than the worst. To speak of seeing the heartbeat, or being released to my OB, as things that will happen, not things that might happen.

Over the last couple of weeks, one of my coworkers has said to me, more than once, that I look "sad" or "forlorn" and is anything wrong? I thought it was ironic, considering I have had plenty of cause for elation these past weeks. But I guess my mute terror is leaking out onto my face at unexpected moments.

*****

I was looking through my big fat file of infertility-related crap, and I realized that two years ago yesterday, I took my last birth-control pill. (I know this because I immediately embarked on the rollercoaster of charting...ugh.) There's a kind of poetic justice to the fact that exactly two years later, I had my 6w1d ultrasound.

8 Comments:

Blogger Heather said...

I can totally identify with your fear, but I think that this is your time to be happy. You can't control if something is going to go wrong so why spend your time dwelling on it and missing out on all of the exictement that is supposed to be your pregnancy??

1:43 PM  
Blogger MoMo said...

Feeling this way is normal--but I agree with you, enjoy it as much as you can. You will go crazy if you keep thinking of the bad things. Thinking of you!

4:47 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Electriclady, I am so glad to hear of your good ultrasound. And I do think it's good to enjoy this as much as you possibly can. I liked the way you put it about terror leaking out -- so understandable, but I hope your fears soon give way to great reassurance.

7:32 PM  
Blogger sube said...

If optimism is winning out over anxiety, then roll with it! You have every right to enjoy this time.

9:43 PM  
Anonymous theoneliner said...

I agree with everyone else. Be happy. Let that win. If something is going to happen its going to happen-and you'll feel the way you're going to feel regardless of whether or not you let yourself enjoy it. Don't be afraid to love this baby.

9:43 AM  
Blogger Alli said...

You SHOULD be positive! You should enjoy it as much as you are able - every stage. I totally agree that thinking of it as positive is the best mindset. We have enough fears that go without saying!

Glad you are feeling well - and bring on the heartbeat!!!!!

1:51 PM  
Blogger GZ said...

I'm sorry about your "mute terror." That must be such an odd transition. It sounds like a wonderful ultrasound, though, and so many of us are keeping our fingers crossed for you.

7:04 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

I'm glad you are taking the time to be happy. You deserve that, and I don't think it makes any difference - if things go wrong later you're going to be devastated either way. But hopefully you won't have to face that and it will all keep on going well.

6:02 AM  

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