Sunday, July 23, 2006

Some things never change

A few days ago, my friend R., who's now about five or six months pregnant and whom I haven't seen in a couple months, sent me an e-mail with some recent belly shots. I clicked on the e-mail, thinking surely I would be able to handle it now, but was shocked by the anger and bile that rose up in me as soon as I saw the photo of her swelling belly. I have no rational reason to be jealous of her--I'm pregnant now too!--and yet the old bitterness is obviously still very much present, curled up inside me and waiting to strike. Will I ever be able to hear someone else's pregnancy announcement without feeling a pang of jealousy?

(Of course, if she had been infertile--and for all I know, maybe she was--I would have had no problem at all looking at her damn belly shots. Would have been delighted, in fact.)

*****

Today I am officially ten weeks pregnant. It still feels a little unreal, partly because I still haven't told anyone at work. Originally I'd thought that if I could get away with it, I'd want to wait to tell my boss until the end of August, or at about 15 or 16 weeks. Then I thought, maybe 14 weeks is late enough. Now I'm so impatient, I'm tempted to do it at 12 weeks, after I have my next OB appointment and live-baby check. It's just so odd to have something so huge taking up so much of my brain, and yet spend 8-9 hours a day surrounded by people who have no idea.

Part of me wishes I could just fast-forward through the rest of this pregnancy and be in February, about to give birth. (It was never pregnancy I cared about so much as the baby at the end.) Then I realize that technically, the pregnancy is already one-quarter done, and I need to enjoy it while I can, as one wise woman reminded me.

*****

I was reading ahead in my pregnancy book to the section on childbirth (see above re: impatience), and was amused to read, in the section on "secret worries you may have," the question, "Will I have to bare myself in front of a lot of strangers?" I thought about it a little and realized that in the past nine months alone, no fewer than twelve different doctors have seen my lady bits--not to mention at least as many nurses. So exposing myself to strangers will obviously not be one of my personal sources of childbirth-related anxiety.

On the same topic, I forgot to mention that at the emergency live-baby check a couple weeks ago, Dr. Awesome kept saying things like "Okay, I'm just going to insert my fingers, get ready--you're going to feel something now--here it comes..." and apologizing for the speculum being cold, and I finally had to tell her, "I've been through infertility treatment, so pretty much nothing you do down there is going to faze me."

*****

Thanks for all your interesting comments on my last post--though y'all are so young, I feel like a crone! But that just proves my point, that infertility in younger women (and at 32, I still definitely qualify as young by RE standards) is way more complicated than the media makes it out to be--and that infertility itself, as we all know so well, is way more complicated than just "career bitch waits too long."

6 Comments:

Anonymous Erin said...

Wow, I don't think I've ever been referred to as "wise" before. And you inspired me to write today's post in haiku from yours a couple of days ago.

Unfortunately, I've found that the emotional scar of infertility doesn't go away. Even while I was pregnant with P, I was jealous of other pregnant women. At my most-sleep-deprived of new motherhood, I was still jealous of pregnant women. Belly shots are never easy to look at when you're infertile, pregnant or not.

I really hope you can enjoy your pregnancy. That's different than relax and enjoy it, because I know that's pretty damned near impossible when you're infertile. But do try to enjoy everything that you can.

Yeah, discomfort with exposure--I got over that an awfully long time ago. A janitor walked into my hospital room while I was in labor, and it didn't faze me a bit.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Rachel Inbar said...

I found that it does change. When your healthy baby is born, it gets easier. When you have the minimum-number-of-children-you'll-be-happy-with*, it gets MUCH easier. When you feel you've been truly blessed with children, you look at a pregnant belly and just smile...

It took me almost 17 years to get there, but I'm definitely at the truly blessed stage :-)

Rachel

----
* minimum # of kids - I say this because one of the main issues with infertility is giving up a dream, so once you've reached your "minimum goal", you're no longer giving up the dream.

6:37 AM  
Blogger MoMo said...

Sorry about those pictures..I think I would have felt the same way--I never took pregnancy news very well.

I did feel that coming out at 12 weeks was a little early. Unfortunately, since I am so small, I think I started showing earlier and I people at work started calling me on it--so I felt like I had no choice. I say, do whatever you feel is right for you.

Congratulations on 10 weeks!!

9:23 AM  
Blogger Alli said...

Congrats on the 10 week mark! That is so exciting.

I am the same way with pregnant people - if they have gone through some sort of infertility treatment or struggle, I am able to be much happier for them. . .

4:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy 10 Weeks!
<3 HeavenLeigh

4:44 PM  
Anonymous Watson said...

Gawd, if you are a 'crone' at YOUR age I am a...decrepit old, old lady?

What comes after crone?

HAPPY 10 weeks :-)

5:34 PM  

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