Sunday, July 23, 2006

Some things never change

A few days ago, my friend R., who's now about five or six months pregnant and whom I haven't seen in a couple months, sent me an e-mail with some recent belly shots. I clicked on the e-mail, thinking surely I would be able to handle it now, but was shocked by the anger and bile that rose up in me as soon as I saw the photo of her swelling belly. I have no rational reason to be jealous of her--I'm pregnant now too!--and yet the old bitterness is obviously still very much present, curled up inside me and waiting to strike. Will I ever be able to hear someone else's pregnancy announcement without feeling a pang of jealousy?

(Of course, if she had been infertile--and for all I know, maybe she was--I would have had no problem at all looking at her damn belly shots. Would have been delighted, in fact.)


Today I am officially ten weeks pregnant. It still feels a little unreal, partly because I still haven't told anyone at work. Originally I'd thought that if I could get away with it, I'd want to wait to tell my boss until the end of August, or at about 15 or 16 weeks. Then I thought, maybe 14 weeks is late enough. Now I'm so impatient, I'm tempted to do it at 12 weeks, after I have my next OB appointment and live-baby check. It's just so odd to have something so huge taking up so much of my brain, and yet spend 8-9 hours a day surrounded by people who have no idea.

Part of me wishes I could just fast-forward through the rest of this pregnancy and be in February, about to give birth. (It was never pregnancy I cared about so much as the baby at the end.) Then I realize that technically, the pregnancy is already one-quarter done, and I need to enjoy it while I can, as one wise woman reminded me.


I was reading ahead in my pregnancy book to the section on childbirth (see above re: impatience), and was amused to read, in the section on "secret worries you may have," the question, "Will I have to bare myself in front of a lot of strangers?" I thought about it a little and realized that in the past nine months alone, no fewer than twelve different doctors have seen my lady bits--not to mention at least as many nurses. So exposing myself to strangers will obviously not be one of my personal sources of childbirth-related anxiety.

On the same topic, I forgot to mention that at the emergency live-baby check a couple weeks ago, Dr. Awesome kept saying things like "Okay, I'm just going to insert my fingers, get ready--you're going to feel something now--here it comes..." and apologizing for the speculum being cold, and I finally had to tell her, "I've been through infertility treatment, so pretty much nothing you do down there is going to faze me."


Thanks for all your interesting comments on my last post--though y'all are so young, I feel like a crone! But that just proves my point, that infertility in younger women (and at 32, I still definitely qualify as young by RE standards) is way more complicated than the media makes it out to be--and that infertility itself, as we all know so well, is way more complicated than just "career bitch waits too long."


Anonymous Erin said...

Wow, I don't think I've ever been referred to as "wise" before. And you inspired me to write today's post in haiku from yours a couple of days ago.

Unfortunately, I've found that the emotional scar of infertility doesn't go away. Even while I was pregnant with P, I was jealous of other pregnant women. At my most-sleep-deprived of new motherhood, I was still jealous of pregnant women. Belly shots are never easy to look at when you're infertile, pregnant or not.

I really hope you can enjoy your pregnancy. That's different than relax and enjoy it, because I know that's pretty damned near impossible when you're infertile. But do try to enjoy everything that you can.

Yeah, discomfort with exposure--I got over that an awfully long time ago. A janitor walked into my hospital room while I was in labor, and it didn't faze me a bit.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Rachel Inbar said...

I found that it does change. When your healthy baby is born, it gets easier. When you have the minimum-number-of-children-you'll-be-happy-with*, it gets MUCH easier. When you feel you've been truly blessed with children, you look at a pregnant belly and just smile...

It took me almost 17 years to get there, but I'm definitely at the truly blessed stage :-)


* minimum # of kids - I say this because one of the main issues with infertility is giving up a dream, so once you've reached your "minimum goal", you're no longer giving up the dream.

6:37 AM  
Blogger MoMo said...

Sorry about those pictures..I think I would have felt the same way--I never took pregnancy news very well.

I did feel that coming out at 12 weeks was a little early. Unfortunately, since I am so small, I think I started showing earlier and I people at work started calling me on it--so I felt like I had no choice. I say, do whatever you feel is right for you.

Congratulations on 10 weeks!!

9:23 AM  
Blogger Alli said...

Congrats on the 10 week mark! That is so exciting.

I am the same way with pregnant people - if they have gone through some sort of infertility treatment or struggle, I am able to be much happier for them. . .

4:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy 10 Weeks!
<3 HeavenLeigh

4:44 PM  
Anonymous Watson said...

Gawd, if you are a 'crone' at YOUR age I am a...decrepit old, old lady?

What comes after crone?

HAPPY 10 weeks :-)

5:34 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home