Friday, March 17, 2006

Split personality

I've been experiencing a weird mix of optimism and pessimism about this cycle. Optimism because technically, I've never made it to insemination, so it's like this is the first one! Who knows, it could work! Pessimism because, after nearly two years of TTC and 6 months in treatment, I have nothing to show for it but two canceled IUIs, and why should this cycle be any different? And the profound lack of trust I have in my doctor and his staff at this point doesn't help either. How could this guy possibly get me pregnant?

So I find myself, for example: Not buying any new spring clothes, or even a desperately needed new pair of pants, because I might be pregnant soon and those cute skirts won't fit. Deciding not to make plans for a big summer trip overseas because if I'm pregnant, I'll be high risk and likely will not want to fly even if my doctor says it's okay. Even--and I hesitate to say this, because it's so ridiculous--eating pineapple.* But also: Making an appointment for an orthodontic consult (I really need braces), which will almost certainly require full dental x-rays, for during my 2ww. Researching new REs. Lurking on the IVF Connections message boards. Thinking about how I will feel when my coworker announces her pregnancy six months from now and my uterus is still a barren wasteland.

Hmm, I guess the pessimism might be winning out a little, huh?

*On the whole, though, I've pretty much dropped all those rah-rah-pregnancy habits. I do drink green tea when I drink any tea at all, but that's maybe once every two months. I've had a fairly vigorous vinyasa yoga practice for over a year, and when I got started I went to the Yoga Journal website and printed out a list of poses that are "therapeutic for infertility" and tried to incorporate them into my practice, and I would lie in savasana and try to visualize my pelvis full of a healing white light, welcoming in a new life. Don't do any of that anymore. I still do the yoga, but I don't have any illusions that it will accomplish anything magical for me.

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