I don't know if it's hormones, or springtime, or what, but the last couple of weeks I've felt a weird pull in the other direction. Don't get me wrong--I am not even considering THINKING about getting pregnant again. I resolved from the beginning that I'd wait until Bat Girl was close to 2 before going down that road again.
But consider, if you will:
Exhibit A: Two weekends ago, I happened to catch an episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8. Now I know, the proper response to this show of any sane person--especially an infertile--is to run screaming in the other direction. These people are, as they themselves admit, a "fertility nightmare," an example of what you do NOT want to happen when you head to your friendly neighborhood fertility clinic. But instead of horror, I was filled with...longing? What? What is WRONG with me? It was seeing all those cute part-Korean toddlers running around with their little lisps and squishy bodies. Bat Girl hasn't quite grown into that yet, but she's getting there, and it was cool to think about what she's going to be like at 2 or 3 or 4...and then a little wistful, thinking about how cool it might be to see another kid go through the same stages. Maybe a little boy. I don't know. I got my period two days later, so I'd like to chalk it up to that.
Exhibit B: This weekend, we were watching the kid of a neighbor of ours--he's 9 and has brother-and-sister twins, age nearly-3. (And yes, ART was involved with the twins, as you might guess.) When his mom picked him up, the little ones squealed with delight to see their older brother, ran up and threw their arms around him screaming his name. He acted embarrassed but you could tell he was thrilled to be worshipped so much. I looked at the mother's beaming face and thought, "This is why you have another."
Exhibit C: This morning, talking to a friend whose mom is going through a tough time, and who wished "for the first time in my life," she said, that she had a sibling, someone who could share this burden with her.
The thing is, having a sibling is no guarantee of companionship, worship, or a helping hand--heck, I'd consider my brother and I decently close and we only talk once a month. But I do wonder what we--all of us, Bat Girl included--might be missing.
On the other hand, last night we also caught Dennis Quaid and his wife on 60 Minutes, talking about the medical error that nearly killed their newborn twins. A friend of mine just gave birth to a baby who will have lifelong disabilities (undetected on any of her prenatal tests or scans). I think about all the things that can go wrong, not least because of my wonky ute, and wonder how anyone can have the audacity to have children at all, much less tempt fate by trying again after having one healthy baby.
Thanks for all your comments and emails re: my plagio meltdown. It was especially helpful to hear from those of you who decided not to do anything about your kids' heads. (And from Ornery--hello, ORNERY!!! We miss you! Hope you and the babies are well!) I've decided to let it go and make my peace with Bat Girl's head shape. No one else notices it but me and my husband, and she'll grow hair soon (please? where is the hair?!?) and it won't be noticeable at all. I hope.
Work (and taxes) is kicking my ass right now. But I do have a (now two weeks late) post about Bat Girl at 13 months in the works, and lots of other stuff on my mind. Remember how I said, way back when, that I was going to post about sex, or lack thereof? I have so much to say about that. Next week I hope I'll have more time to write...
Labels: mama drama