Two?
I have said repeatedly in the past year that I do not want any more kids. I used to think I wanted two, maybe three (as did my husband), but the arrival of Bat Girl was such a hurricane in our world--not to mention the tsunami of bed rest and its related physical, mental, and emotional destruction--that we could not imagine doing it again. At least not any time soon.
I don't know if it's hormones, or springtime, or what, but the last couple of weeks I've felt a weird pull in the other direction. Don't get me wrong--I am not even considering THINKING about getting pregnant again. I resolved from the beginning that I'd wait until Bat Girl was close to 2 before going down that road again.
But consider, if you will:
Exhibit A: Two weekends ago, I happened to catch an episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8. Now I know, the proper response to this show of any sane person--especially an infertile--is to run screaming in the other direction. These people are, as they themselves admit, a "fertility nightmare," an example of what you do NOT want to happen when you head to your friendly neighborhood fertility clinic. But instead of horror, I was filled with...longing? What? What is WRONG with me? It was seeing all those cute part-Korean toddlers running around with their little lisps and squishy bodies. Bat Girl hasn't quite grown into that yet, but she's getting there, and it was cool to think about what she's going to be like at 2 or 3 or 4...and then a little wistful, thinking about how cool it might be to see another kid go through the same stages. Maybe a little boy. I don't know. I got my period two days later, so I'd like to chalk it up to that.
Exhibit B: This weekend, we were watching the kid of a neighbor of ours--he's 9 and has brother-and-sister twins, age nearly-3. (And yes, ART was involved with the twins, as you might guess.) When his mom picked him up, the little ones squealed with delight to see their older brother, ran up and threw their arms around him screaming his name. He acted embarrassed but you could tell he was thrilled to be worshipped so much. I looked at the mother's beaming face and thought, "This is why you have another."
Exhibit C: This morning, talking to a friend whose mom is going through a tough time, and who wished "for the first time in my life," she said, that she had a sibling, someone who could share this burden with her.
The thing is, having a sibling is no guarantee of companionship, worship, or a helping hand--heck, I'd consider my brother and I decently close and we only talk once a month. But I do wonder what we--all of us, Bat Girl included--might be missing.
On the other hand, last night we also caught Dennis Quaid and his wife on 60 Minutes, talking about the medical error that nearly killed their newborn twins. A friend of mine just gave birth to a baby who will have lifelong disabilities (undetected on any of her prenatal tests or scans). I think about all the things that can go wrong, not least because of my wonky ute, and wonder how anyone can have the audacity to have children at all, much less tempt fate by trying again after having one healthy baby.
*****
Thanks for all your comments and emails re: my plagio meltdown. It was especially helpful to hear from those of you who decided not to do anything about your kids' heads. (And from Ornery--hello, ORNERY!!! We miss you! Hope you and the babies are well!) I've decided to let it go and make my peace with Bat Girl's head shape. No one else notices it but me and my husband, and she'll grow hair soon (please? where is the hair?!?) and it won't be noticeable at all. I hope.
*****
Work (and taxes) is kicking my ass right now. But I do have a (now two weeks late) post about Bat Girl at 13 months in the works, and lots of other stuff on my mind. Remember how I said, way back when, that I was going to post about sex, or lack thereof? I have so much to say about that. Next week I hope I'll have more time to write...
I don't know if it's hormones, or springtime, or what, but the last couple of weeks I've felt a weird pull in the other direction. Don't get me wrong--I am not even considering THINKING about getting pregnant again. I resolved from the beginning that I'd wait until Bat Girl was close to 2 before going down that road again.
But consider, if you will:
Exhibit A: Two weekends ago, I happened to catch an episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8. Now I know, the proper response to this show of any sane person--especially an infertile--is to run screaming in the other direction. These people are, as they themselves admit, a "fertility nightmare," an example of what you do NOT want to happen when you head to your friendly neighborhood fertility clinic. But instead of horror, I was filled with...longing? What? What is WRONG with me? It was seeing all those cute part-Korean toddlers running around with their little lisps and squishy bodies. Bat Girl hasn't quite grown into that yet, but she's getting there, and it was cool to think about what she's going to be like at 2 or 3 or 4...and then a little wistful, thinking about how cool it might be to see another kid go through the same stages. Maybe a little boy. I don't know. I got my period two days later, so I'd like to chalk it up to that.
Exhibit B: This weekend, we were watching the kid of a neighbor of ours--he's 9 and has brother-and-sister twins, age nearly-3. (And yes, ART was involved with the twins, as you might guess.) When his mom picked him up, the little ones squealed with delight to see their older brother, ran up and threw their arms around him screaming his name. He acted embarrassed but you could tell he was thrilled to be worshipped so much. I looked at the mother's beaming face and thought, "This is why you have another."
Exhibit C: This morning, talking to a friend whose mom is going through a tough time, and who wished "for the first time in my life," she said, that she had a sibling, someone who could share this burden with her.
The thing is, having a sibling is no guarantee of companionship, worship, or a helping hand--heck, I'd consider my brother and I decently close and we only talk once a month. But I do wonder what we--all of us, Bat Girl included--might be missing.
On the other hand, last night we also caught Dennis Quaid and his wife on 60 Minutes, talking about the medical error that nearly killed their newborn twins. A friend of mine just gave birth to a baby who will have lifelong disabilities (undetected on any of her prenatal tests or scans). I think about all the things that can go wrong, not least because of my wonky ute, and wonder how anyone can have the audacity to have children at all, much less tempt fate by trying again after having one healthy baby.
*****
Thanks for all your comments and emails re: my plagio meltdown. It was especially helpful to hear from those of you who decided not to do anything about your kids' heads. (And from Ornery--hello, ORNERY!!! We miss you! Hope you and the babies are well!) I've decided to let it go and make my peace with Bat Girl's head shape. No one else notices it but me and my husband, and she'll grow hair soon (please? where is the hair?!?) and it won't be noticeable at all. I hope.
*****
Work (and taxes) is kicking my ass right now. But I do have a (now two weeks late) post about Bat Girl at 13 months in the works, and lots of other stuff on my mind. Remember how I said, way back when, that I was going to post about sex, or lack thereof? I have so much to say about that. Next week I hope I'll have more time to write...
Labels: mama drama
posted by electriclady at 1:24 PM
10 Comments:
Even having just given birth to my 6th(!) child, I'm finding that although I know that I definitely don't want to have any more that it's a little hard (at least right now) to know I'm letting go of that part of my life... I have 4 siblings, all of whom spent this past weekend with us and I do think that siblings are the best gift one can give their children.
I didn't think I'd have much time to leave a comment, as I'm far too busy having all of the sex.
It's weird, I'm watching JK+8 as we er, speak. I find myself more riveted than normal because they are going to Chocolate World and that's in my hometown, so - reppin'!
As for the second kid thing, I could have written this post. I just don't want to think about fitting that in with my life and where I want to be professionally, plus that whole breastfeeding (heh), up-all-night clusterfuck. One of my primary fears is that of disability, because lord knows I lack the patience now with a toddler without disabilities.
Why is nothing easy, eh?
It's funny, in the past 2 days, I have seen 2 different kids about Alex/BG's age who are wearing those helmets.
I'm glad you made peace with it. Seriously, my Ben, whose head is flat on the back, could have used one of those is just fine. He has a ton of hair that covers it, and I only notice when I'm helping him wash his hair.
He's just--unique.
If you want me to send a picture of him to you, I will. Just to put you at ease with your decision.
For what it's worth, my 2nd (and LAST) child is only 9 weeks old, but I adore watching my daughter interact with her little brother. I was prepared for all sorts of jealousy and instead it's just been great.
Yeah, another baby is starting to sound slightly less horrendous to me. But we're actually supposed to start trying in November and that sounds much too soon, still. All the hospital visits, the morning sickness, the stress of pregnancy, that kind of thing. Not even mentioning BFing, which I am trying to be resolved not to stress about (haha).
Deciding on #2 is never easy...I think we did it more for B than for us. It was very important for us for B to grow up with siblings...so that when we are gone he is not alone. But who know if they are even going to get along.
The stress of p is very difficult and I am not even thinking about what it would be like to have a toddler and a baby and Bfing(remember what I told you last week-smack me upside down the head if I turn psycho about it!!!)--I am just too scared and overwhelmed to go there right now.
We also decided not to do anything with one of our twins' heads, which apparently is plagio. Hard decisions, but each family decides what's best for them.
Heck, I have twins and I want more, which isn't happening, but I know how you're feeling.
(also, Ornery? You there? I missed you too!)
You cannot not have kids b/c of all of the what if's if that were the case-- none of use would be here. Likfe throws curve balls, but you have to take them as they come. The good with the bad. The bad- just makes the good that much sweeter.
You reserve the right to change your mind at any moment.
I'm starting to feel less sick finally, and somehow that has me contemplating the future possibility of doing this again. Nuts. Mind you this is #2 now but 1st with my body/genes.
I hear you on the small twinges. We are no way in a place to have another child but every once and awhile I will see a baby and thing... ohh... I want to do that again.
I always wanted two kids so maybe in a couple of years we will try again.
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