Saturday, September 23, 2006

Here

With all the bad news zinging around the blogosphere, I've been sort of laying low this week. But I wanted to check in and let you know that things are fine. I'll be 19 weeks tomorrow and Bat Boy is hanging in there. Tuesday's cervix check was uneventful. Cervix measured at 3.4 cm, though honestly, the way TheGoodDoc poked around and said, "I can never find your cervix!", who knows what she actually measured. I have my anatomy scan a week from Monday, and will get a proper cervical measurement there; meanwhile, the internal exam was normal (lucky me, I get an internal exam AND cootercam AND transabdominal scan every visit now) and contractions are still happening, but erratic.

Another reason I was laying low was that my husband and I were dealing with some emotional stuff this week. I won't bore you with all the backstory details, but basically, throughout this pregnancy, whenever I have expressed fear or uncertainty or feelings of inadequacy (about my body's inability to get the job done--but I don't have to explain that to you guys), my husband's response has been a loud, sometimes even angry insistence that everything will be fine and I need to chill out. Totally annoying and not at all comforting, and MY response to that has always been to try to hammer home to him just how risky this pregnancy might be (I say might because yes, it's possible I'll end up going to term) and how we do need to take all the bleeding/contractions/etc. seriously. So I criticize what I see as his insensitivity, while he criticizes what he sees as my inability to take joy in this pregnancy. It's been really fun, let me tell you.

Well, this week we finally had it out--productively, that is; we'd had it out before but not really gotten anywhere. And it turns out that his insistence that everything will be fine is a reaction to his own fears. He's just as terrified as I am (which means all my efforts to drive home OUR BABY COULD DIE were totally counterproductive), and that's why he gets upset when I put those fears into words. Meanwhile, I think he was finally able to see that I do take joy in this pregnancy, this baby, this person who I am sheltering for the next 21 (I hope!) weeks and the rest of my life. And that when I express my fears, it's not because I'm trying to freak him out more, it's just that I need him to hear me.

And it only took three tear-filled hours! Aren't relationships great?!?

There were a lot of things that finally precipitated the big showdown, but one thing was that last weekend, some friends of ours were getting rid of their daughter's crib (she graduated to a "big-girl bed"), and they offered it to us. So this crib (in pieces, and therefore not identifiably and aggressively a crib--but still, a crib) is sitting in the corner of our office/future home of Bat Boy, and we are both freaking out. I knew I was freaking out, but I didn't know my husband was also freaked out about the crib's presence until we had our big fight. And it was oddly comforting to know that he was scared, too. And: holy shit, we have a crib?!?!?

So, that's what's up with me. In other news, I'm trying to figure out what to do with all my vacation time when I have been forbidden to travel anywhere (even to visit my in-laws, a four-hour drive away) and can't run around the city or really do anything more strenuous than walk five blocks at a time. Because, of course, we didn't take any big vacations in the first half of the year because I was always cycling, and then we didn't take any big trips (other than a couple long weekends) all summer long because I was always bloated or bleeding or contracting, and now here we are.

P.S. This is my 100th post! Thanks for reading, y'all. If you read but don't normally comment, I'd love it if you delurked in honor of the occasion.

18 Comments:

Anonymous Mollywogger said...

Wow! 19 weeks is a beautiful thing. Well done to you!

I've had those big blowouts with my husband. Men just think abuot things so differently than we do. It took me a while to hammer into him that when I was concerned or worried about something, he didn't need to SOLVE my problem, just listen and understand.

Men.

5:47 PM  
Anonymous Erin said...

J would roll his eyes and insist that I was being melodramatic and everything would be fine. I didn't realize that he was as scared as I was until the first time we went to B*bies R Us and he turned to me after 5 minutes and said "Let's get out of here." I've never seen him go pale like that before or since.

Congrats on 19 weeks (and on 100 posts)! Are you going to find out gender at your scan? I think you've said whether or not you were going to, but I don't remember.

6:08 PM  
Anonymous HeavenLeigh said...

Happy 19 Weeks!! I've been crossing my fingers for you!

6:22 PM  
Blogger electriclady said...

Erin--DEFINITELY going to find out. That is, assuming the baby cooperates. Last week my OB was trying her darndest to see but the baby wouldn't open its legs.

8:13 PM  
Blogger Dee said...

Delurking to offer my congrats on 19 weeks (I'm actually one day ahead of you gestation-wise, at 19w today) and 100 posts. I'm also a gal who was diagnosed with congenital adrenal hyperplasia (11-beta hydroxylase version, rather rare) two years ago during IF treatment. Now it turns out I probably didn't/don't have it but they're not quite sure.

So that's my story--sorry to hijack your comments with it but just wanted you to know I'm not some freak checking in on you regularly. Just a fellow infertile gal making her way through pg and life.

Glad to know that you and your husband got your fears all out like that. My money's on things improving even more from here onward.

Good luck and happy level II u/s (I've actually got mine this Monday).

10:04 PM  
Blogger heather said...

congrats on the 100th post...and making it to 19 wks!! i'm a day behind you and feel like every week further is a gift. glad you and the hubby were able to get all that out on the table. good luck in the next 21 wks!!

10:37 PM  
Blogger K77 said...

Happy hundred! And congrats on BatBoy dong well. Sorry about the relationship crap, it's so hard when all you need is to be heard and the other person just doesn't give you that and you feel so... unsupported.

2:40 AM  
Blogger Rachel Inbar said...

I don't really need to de-lurk, but wanted to congratulate you on 100 posts and, much more importantly 19 weeks :-) Glad you had it out with your husband & I know just what you mean about the crib... I pretended I was just storing things :-)

I hope things settle down so you can enjoy your vacation time.

2:16 PM  
Blogger MoMo said...

Congratulations on hitting 19 weeks! That is fantastic...isn't amazing. I think it is also good that you and DH let everything out and now you both know how each other feel.

Oh and great news about the free crib! I love free stuff!

11:24 AM  
Anonymous Alexa said...

Happy 100 posts and 19 weeks! And I am glad you and your husband had it out--perhaps things will be better now. I know after my last m/c I didn't realize how hard it had hit the Actually until *months* later.
Glad the cervix is behaving itself.

1:53 PM  
Blogger sube said...

Oh a crib! That is freaky. Glad it was the catalyst to get you and hubby talking.

Congrats on 19 weeks and congrats on 100 posts.

1:05 AM  
Blogger TeamWinks said...

I'm doing a happy dance that you are at nineteen weeks! Let's keep on rolling!

Glad to hear you two are on the same page now. What a relief!

3:02 PM  
Anonymous Watson said...

Hey there, congrats on the 100th post! (And I'm so happy to hear Bat Boy is doing well.)

It's great you and your husband reached a new understanding. It's a bummer a huge fight had to precipitate this new place, but I guess that's what being in a relationship is all about!

Here's to finding something cool to do with that vacation time...maybe a Fall foliage thing nearby??

4:35 PM  
Blogger Isabel said...

Thank you for blogging. It helps me feel less alone on the journey.

12:17 AM  
Blogger Mellie said...

So glad to hear that all is well with you and Bat Boy physically. And having a big blow out with your husband can be a wonderful thing - even though it sucks at the time.

Hope the anatamy scan goes perfectly and you can find out if Bat Boy really is a boy.

5:24 PM  
Anonymous MelanieNYC said...

Congratulations on your milestones! I found your blog through a friend of mine, Not-so-Pregnant in Texas, and have really enjoyed what you've chosen to share on your blog. I'm just past 9 weeks pregnant myself and am hoping that all of the anxiety and nervousness about having a successful full-term pregnancy magically disappears one day soon. Hmmm.

10:26 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I hear you on the husband thing. I think it is our nature to worry and their nature to say everything is fine. My hubby and I have been at eachother's throats lately too.

Happy 19 weeks and I hope things calm down soon!!

1:16 PM  
Anonymous frumiousb said...

Just a quick note to say hello.

Someone I know pointed me to your blog & although you might find it difficult to believe that it is inspirational, it really has been inspirational for me to read.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant after 4 years of unexplained infertility (I'm 37 now.) Since I got pregnant, I've been unexplainedly spotting and bleeding. Sometimes red, sometimes brown, sometimes just traces, sometimes heavy.

I go in when it turns red, they do a scan. Everything is fine, cervix closed. They send me home again. I do a few days of bedrest. I go back to work. Shake, stir, repeat.

They've gone from saying that it is probably normal, to shaking their heads doubtfully. But still, we find no explanation.

Anyhow, sorry to take over your comment section. I just wanted to say that I'm rooting for you-- and good to know that you can keep spotting like this and keep on keeping on.

Cheers.

Cheryl

7:39 AM  

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