Monday, July 31, 2006

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

Spotting continued throughout the weekend, but thanks to my spending basically three days completely horizontal, it dwindled down to very light color and quantity and was almost completely gone this morning. However, now I am at work, and after walking to the subway, walking from the subway to work, and walking back and forth to the bathroom a couple of times, I am now spotting more heavily again, and it is once again red and not light brown. Dark red, and not tons of it, so less scary than the toiletful of bright red I had on Friday--but enough.

Fuck. FUCK.

I don't know what to do. Obviously I will attempt not to budge from my chair for the rest of the day (except to get lunch, and go to the bathroom, and attend a meeting...shit), but then what? I have a job that technically could be done from home, but no one at work knows I am pregnant and I have this superstition about telling them before I hit 12 weeks and see/hear the baby one more time (Monday). But of course I don't want to do anything to jeopardize this pregnancy and NOT make it to 12 weeks. Add to that the fact that the temperature is supposed to reach triple digits tomorrow and Wednesday. I will probably take a cab to and from work those days, which might help a little...

I feel like crying. I actually did break down and cry yesterday, on the phone with my mom. I just see all my friends, who got pregnant so easily and had easy pregnancies where they could exercise and eat without puking and stand up for more tahn five minutes without bleeding all over the place and walk down the street without passing out--hell, one friend of mine actually traveled around the world for three weeks in her second trimester--and it feels so damn unfair. (And compared to other IF chicks, I actually have it EASY.)

My doctor told me on Friday that I should call again if I have very heavy bleeding, comparable to the heaviest day of my period, for more than an hour. I know that the spotting I'm having now is probably nothing, that everything may very well be fine. But I am just so scared and I don't know what to do.

I have to stop now before I start crying at my desk.


Blogger Pregnant In Texas said...

I had a relatively easy pregnancy, but I wanted to let you know that I cried every day. Every. Fucking. Day, during my whole pregnancy.

I actually thought that maybe I might be pregnant when I burst out into tears after watching an especially heart-wrenching episode of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition".

It is just that ridiculous. Be kind to yourself. Cry when you need to. Trust me, you will need to.

1:44 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

EL I'm so sorry this is going on and on being scary. Surely being at home would be worth telling a couple of people? I don't know how you are coping,you strong woman.

2:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know work is important. However, I think you should go home. If the folks at your office knew they would probably tell you the same thing. Everything is probably fine but why stress at your office when you could be laying on the couch relaxing? Take care of yourself--work will be there tomorrow.

2:18 PM  
Blogger Robber Barren said...

1 - Call your doctor's office. Now. Even just to hear them say that it's nothing to worry about.

2 - Call in sick tomorrow, even if you don't think you need to. Offer to do some work from home, but say you feel like you're coming down with something and you'd rather not (a) exacerbate it by going out in the heat or (b) get others sick. Do the same Wednesday if you need to.

3 - Maybe even go home sick now. it will lay good groundwork for tomorrow's call.

4 - Sob all you want to when you get home, and order takeout for dinner.

Also, I completely understand the discomfort/superstition about when to tell. I told a few people at work at 8w6d/9w (my supervisor, and a few people who'd definitely been noticing my symptoms), but that was only after three ultrasounds (including one at 8w6d) and only because I really felt I had to. You're at 11w now, right? If this spotting leads you to having one more u/s in the next couple of days, you may want to consider telling just your direct supervisor at work (if s/he can be trusted to keep the secret). But if you choose not're very close to explaining it all, and people will be sympathetic both to the difficult symptoms and to the scares you've had.

2:18 PM  
Anonymous Mollywogger said...

Oh, God. Terrifying.

Please take Robber Barren's advice. We're worried about you.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Alli said...

Oh, you should try and get in before next Monday for your own peace of mind.

Robber Barren has got it all written perfectly.

2:59 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you have to go through this. It is scarry enough to worry about every twinge in your belly, let alone having to worry about this to.

I would totally call the doctor's office again. Better to bother them than sit at your desk doing nothing and worry!! I'll be sending good vibes your way!!

3:35 PM  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

I think we all relate to being terrified at every single thing that happens with your body during pregnancy. You need to get it out and cry, it is cathartic. I wish I could tell you that you won't worry, but you will, and who wouldn't after what you've been through?

Make sure you talk to your doctor ASAP, if you haven't already. Maintaining some sanity is needed here.

My thoughts are with you sweetie.

3:55 PM  
Anonymous J said...

Yes, please, do like Robber Barren says. Go home, take it easy, pamper yourself, cry it out, do what feels right. Nothing worse than having to sit at work pretending to be ok, feeling the way you feel. I am so sorry EL. I hope it all gets smoother soon.

4:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Over the course of your pregnancy you are going to hear the words "Your life is going to change" probably a gazillion times. What some people tend to forget is that your life changes the instant you find out you are pregnant. I think that's really the point at which you become a mother. From here on out you will know worry and fear unlike any you have known in your life (on the up-side, you will also find joy and love beyond what you thought possible.) Don’t think of these difficulties as obstacles, think of them as hurdles to get over. Some will be easy to leap over, some will seem impossible. You can always bet there will be more along the way. I agree with the other comments – go easy on yourself. You will find the strength to get through this.

8:34 PM  
Blogger K77 said...

Fuck, it just isn't fair.

4:37 AM  

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