Monday, April 30, 2007

Working girl

Baby is napping (napping! we've finally been able to get her to take real naps instead of just snoozing for 15 minutes at a time!) so time for a quick post. I'm going back to work on Wednesday. People keep asking me how I feel about it--those who think of me as high-powered career gal, like my MIL, say "Are you excited to go back to work?" while fellow new moms say "Oh no, how do you feel?" with these sad sympathetic looks. The truth is, I don't know how I feel. I'll admit, it will be a bit of a relief to have something other than naptimes and lactation to think about...but I'll also miss my lazy mornings with baby, hanging out with her as she bats at the toys on her playmat or lies next to me in bed and proclaims something Very Important in her infant babble ("Ah! AaaAAAaah! Gghhh.")

The main reason I don't know how I feel about work, though, is that it's been so long since I was in the office with any regularity (since October, when I was put on bedrest) that I don't even know who that person is anymore, that go-getting professional woman in strappy heels and lipstick who did lunches and meetings and conference calls.

Not that I'll ever totally be that woman again, I suppose. At least for now, power lunches are out, since all my lunch and break times will be devoted to pumping. Yes, I decided to try continuing with the pumping. There were several days last week where I was so frustrated and resentful about pumping, mostly because I was just. so. damned. tired. Bat Girl has started occasionally sleeping through the night, which means a 6-7 hour stretch...but I still have to get up in the middle of that to pump, both to protect my supply and because my tiny boobs will explode if I don't (I can really only hold 2-3 ounces max...that's the most I've ever gotten in a single session, after accidentally going 6 hours without pumping and waking up with rock-hard boobs). And when she doesn't get up in the middle of the night to eat (my husband usually takes that feeding so I can pump), she gets up a lot earlier in the morning, and I usually take that session so I can nurse her a little. And I stay up after we put her down for the night because I have to pump. So I was sleeping, like, 4-5 hours max, in 2 hour chunks. Which sounds almost luxurious written down like that, compared to how much we were sleeping in the very beginning, but that sleep deprivation is cumulative, and at one point a few days ago I was so tired I literally thought I was going to die.

So I desperately wanted to quit. Desperately. And I was feeling angry and resentful toward my husband, because it's due to his encouragement that I've even kept pumping this long to begin with. Not that he's pressured me, exactly, but...well, read this, she says it so much better than I can. And I worried that I would start feeling angry and resentful toward my baby, and that's definitely no good.

But the bottom line is that, even though I am so tempted to quit, I'm just not ready for Bat Girl to have 100% formula yet. That's what's holding me back. And I figure I should at least give it a try--if I don't, I'll always wonder if I could have done it. I'll take it a week at a time, as always, and see how it goes. That's gotten me through the last 12 weeks.

I've gotten a little more sleep the last few nights, and am feeling a lot less resentful. I'm still tired, in every sense, but I need to know that I at least gave it a shot. Call it stubbornness, call it devotion, call it idiocy...anyway, I'll keep you posted on how things go.

Ironically, now that I'm going back to work I'll probably have a lot more time for blogging, or at least for reading and commenting, which I've been seriously slacking on. So I'm looking forward to getting caught up with everyone on my blogroll soon!

4 Comments:

Blogger Heather said...

Good luck with work. I know for me it took about a month to REALLY feel like things were somewhat normal again and even now things are not the same. I have to leave at 5:00 every day because the daycare closes at 6:00. I have to pump 2 - 3 times per day so my lunch hours are no longer spent out with girlfriends but at my desk eating a sandwich. However, I wouldn't go back to the old way now. I have so much more to look forward to when I get home!!

1:32 PM  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

I, too am looking forward to the time I will have to do all sorts of interneting once I get back to work. I get a fair amount of it done now that P. can occupy herself for awhile. Still, just thinking of the quantity of emails I'll be able to answer from work...well, it doesn't warrant thinking about.

Well done you for sticking with the pumping. You are a motherfucking rockstar my friend.

2:24 PM  
Blogger May said...

So glad to hear the sleep is consolidating. That was a big turning point around here. And good luck with the transition back to work! You get a big gold star from me for your pumping efforts. I'm curious, by the way: how much do you think the domperidone helped your milk supply?

5:11 PM  
Blogger TeamWinks said...

I hope that your transition back into the workplace is smooth. Wow, time has really gone by fast! Has it really been that long already?

Be sure to keep us updated!

6:42 PM  

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