The main reason I don't know how I feel about work, though, is that it's been so long since I was in the office with any regularity (since October, when I was put on bedrest) that I don't even know who that person is anymore, that go-getting professional woman in strappy heels and lipstick who did lunches and meetings and conference calls.
Not that I'll ever totally be that woman again, I suppose. At least for now, power lunches are out, since all my lunch and break times will be devoted to pumping. Yes, I decided to try continuing with the pumping. There were several days last week where I was so frustrated and resentful about pumping, mostly because I was just. so. damned. tired. Bat Girl has started occasionally sleeping through the night, which means a 6-7 hour stretch...but I still have to get up in the middle of that to pump, both to protect my supply and because my tiny boobs will explode if I don't (I can really only hold 2-3 ounces max...that's the most I've ever gotten in a single session, after accidentally going 6 hours without pumping and waking up with rock-hard boobs). And when she doesn't get up in the middle of the night to eat (my husband usually takes that feeding so I can pump), she gets up a lot earlier in the morning, and I usually take that session so I can nurse her a little. And I stay up after we put her down for the night because I have to pump. So I was sleeping, like, 4-5 hours max, in 2 hour chunks. Which sounds almost luxurious written down like that, compared to how much we were sleeping in the very beginning, but that sleep deprivation is cumulative, and at one point a few days ago I was so tired I literally thought I was going to die.
So I desperately wanted to quit. Desperately. And I was feeling angry and resentful toward my husband, because it's due to his encouragement that I've even kept pumping this long to begin with. Not that he's pressured me, exactly, but...well, read this, she says it so much better than I can. And I worried that I would start feeling angry and resentful toward my baby, and that's definitely no good.
But the bottom line is that, even though I am so tempted to quit, I'm just not ready for Bat Girl to have 100% formula yet. That's what's holding me back. And I figure I should at least give it a try--if I don't, I'll always wonder if I could have done it. I'll take it a week at a time, as always, and see how it goes. That's gotten me through the last 12 weeks.
I've gotten a little more sleep the last few nights, and am feeling a lot less resentful. I'm still tired, in every sense, but I need to know that I at least gave it a shot. Call it stubbornness, call it devotion, call it idiocy...anyway, I'll keep you posted on how things go.
Ironically, now that I'm going back to work I'll probably have a lot more time for blogging, or at least for reading and commenting, which I've been seriously slacking on. So I'm looking forward to getting caught up with everyone on my blogroll soon!