Seriously. I just realized that as of Sunday, I will have been having contractions an average of every 20 minutes for TWELVE WEEKS. As in, practically an entire trimester. I'm sorry, but that's just bullshit.
I think this is the longest I've ever gone without a blog update, so I have to apologize not only for being absent from here, but also from your blogs. Things have been OK, I guess. Part of the reason I've been MIA is because I've been focusing so much on work--both to distract myself, and also because I feel this paranoid need to prove myself somehow, that I can still be an ace performer even working from home, even though I need to lie down every couple of hours.
But also, I've been feeling the need to protect myself a little. So much of my emotional energy right now is focused on myself, on trying to keep it together and not lose it and not freak out. I can feel myself withdrawing from the world. I talk to my assistant on the phone most days, and I go to the office once a week (after which I have to lie down for several hours, it's so exhausting), but otherwise I see no one but my husband and speak to almost no one. The last time I left my apartment was last Thursday. In that time I've talked on the phone to my mom once, and emailed with a few friends, and had some work-related calls. But otherwise I've been alone. My husband has worked for most of my waking hours during that time. My friends all said they'd call and visit, but no one calls and no one visits. Or if they do, they do well-meaning but stupid things that just make it harder for me. Like sit there with nothing to say, forcing ME to come up with all the conversation (I haven't been anywhere or done anything in three months, come on, help me out a little)--or asking me question after question about the pregnancy, getting me more and more agitated. Or--one friend, bless her, brought me flowers. Let me tell you something--you know how you're not supposed to bring flowers to a dinner party because then the hostess has to take time out to find a vase and arrange the flowers etc.? Same applies to visiting a friend who's supposed to be staying off her feet, unless you know her well enough to root through her cabinets and take care of it yourself. All my vases are stored on the top shelf of my kitchen cabinets, so I couldn't get one down. I ended up sticking the flowers in a plastic quart container. Then the cat wouldn't stop yowling because she wanted to eat them, so I had to put them on top of a bookshelf. Then they died two days later.
(Basically, if you're visiting someone on bedrest or modified bedrest, plan to be entertaining. If you are not an entertaining person, bring DVDs, Us Weeklys, or other forms of entertainment. Bring food that requires no preparation. Be thoughtful, goddammit.)
I have good days and bad days. Monday was a bad day. I was having lots of contractions, I couldn't concentrate, it was pouring rain (the sun hasn't come out since Saturday, another bad thing mood-wise). I had to lie down between 4 and 7 pm because the contractions were too much for me. At one point I had seven contractions in an hour, and I was in tears, phone in my hand ready to call the doctor--luckily, 30 minutes passed before I had another one.
Tuesday was a pretty good day. I guess my stupid uterus got its ya-yas out on Monday--I had my normal 2-3 contractions an hour most of the day, and I had a lot more energy. I read Beth's post
and thought, hey, I have less than 100 days before I'm full-term, surely I can make it that long--I'm already at 26 weeks, I'm doing great! I got lots and lots of work done and felt really good.
Today was not such a good day. I've had more frequent contractions on and off. I can't seem to get anything done. I feel lonely and miserable. I read Julie's post
about prematurity, and stupidly, read all the comments too, and was despondent. Today, it just seems impossible to me that I can make it to 28 weeks, let alone 30 weeks, let alone 32 weeks. Even though I know logically that I've been doing great so far, that my cervix has been stable...I also know things can change very quickly. I just feel so helpless and alone and scared.
And now I'm sitting here crying. This is why I've been avoiding posting, avoiding commenting, avoiding everything.
I think I need to sign up for a bedrest support buddy on Sidelines. Obviously I can't go on like this. Also, I'm going to ask my doctor if I can start coming in once a week. I can't handle two weeks of fear between appointments.